Yet another pregnancy

So today I am casually scrolling through social media when I see a new post from my oldest friend. 

We have literally been friends since before we were both. Our mother’s were friends and were both pregnant at the same time with only 2 months difference between us me being the oldest. She was a big part of my life and I would like to think she still is a big part of my live. We always played together when we were younger. I used to go to her house and she would come to mine. I think we both preferred her house because she had more toys and more space to play in. We grew up together until she moved to England when she was 5. We were apart for a while and then she moved back to our home country. She moved again and after that coincedentaly we moved to England too because of financial circumstances. So in all our teenage years we grew up together. I love her more than I should maybe but she’s my oldest friend and for that I will always love her. 

So I am scrolling and I see a post from her. She had tagged her boyfriend on a post she shared. It was  picture of a man’s top and it read “Daddy 2017” then there was a phone battery half way full and underneath that said “loading”. 

So I send her a message saying how are you and also are you pregnant? She replies to me that she is ok and yes She is pregnant. Imediatly all these emotions come flooding over me. 

I’m excited for them both because obviously it’s a very big milestone in any couples live. 

I’m scared that things may not go as normal pregnancies go and something might happen to her or the baby. 

I’m happy that my longest friend is going to be a mummy. 

I’m concerned about their financial situation at the moment and worrying if they will be ok for when the baby comes. 

I’m also kind of jealous because this was an accident in their case as she was freaking out not in a good way when she found out, and me and my husband keep trying and sort of failing. 

I’m sad because my baby boy Diego isn’t here because they could play together and be childhood friends like we were. 

I’m upset because I  don’t have a family like I wanted to have by now.

It may not sound like much to some people but being a mum is just one of those things I always thought I would be. Some people would be scared at the fact that they would ever have a baby. 

She tells me that I need to keep trying and eventually it will happen. She doesn’t however see how those kind of comments hurt. It hurts because we ate trying and it hurts because I am failing. 

She is worried about her baby. She’s scared something will happen and that the baby won’t be ok. She asked me about what happened to me and Diego so she could keep an eye on herself. She is scared because someone else she knows had an abortion because her baby was going to be severely deformed and would basically die as soon as he was born she was 19 weeks pregnant. 

Too many people take pregnancy for granted. So many people have babies everyday and alot of the babies are ok but so many babies are not. There are so many risks and if you are like me you go through so many scenarios in your head that you don’t really get to enjoy pregnancy as you should. I think about the baby of how he could be born early and have problems for the rest of his/her life. I think about how the baby could be I’ll as soon as she/he is born and would have to stay in hospital. I think how it can be dangerous to the woman her self and how still to this day women die from childbirth. All the illnesses and all the conditions there are. I always worry I can’t help it. 

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A little catch up…

I’m never alone. At home I have my family, at work I have colleagues. The only alone time I get is the time between me finishing work and my husband coming home from work and that is when I’m in bed getting ready to go to sleep. 

Just because I’m never alone however doesn’t mean you don’t get lonely. Like I said before my husband has always been an amazing help through out everything. He knows what to do and what to say most of the time. He’s started a new job now so he’s not around like he used to. I know it sounds stupid but I liked coming home from work and my husband being at home and we just talked and cuddled. Now he’s not here when I come home I miss it. More importantly I miss him. 

We went to see Diego the other day. My husband doesn’t usually talk much about what happened it’s how he deals with it. But it’s times like that when we visit him that I know exactly how he feels because even though he tries to be manly and suck it up I see how much it upsets him. And it hurts to see someone you love so much hurt that way. 

My brother and his wife already know if they are having a boy or a girl. They sent the family cards with photos from the scan and a scratch here to find out boy or girl. It was nice but it did make me upset. I’m happy for them but also  worried I just hope that they will be ok and nothing bad will happen.

I love you now and forever

I love you Diego always have and always will with all my heart. 

Mummy misses you so much. 

I will never forget you.

You’ll always be with me 

From the day I knew of you

I knew I would love you untill the day I died

You were strong and you were brave

You fought to stay with us

We did all we could

Today is your birthday

I’ll never forget 

The day I held you in my arms

The day you died close to my heart

The day my heart broke when you left.

You are gone but never forgotten
My gorgeous baby boy Diego.

You think you know someone…

Ok so today’s blog is not about Diego it’s about something that has been annoying me for the last month, my husbands cousin and his current situation. 

As you might know neither me or my husband are from England but we are both from different countries. I can’t speak his language or understand it. I pick up the odd work here and there but that’s about it. 

I have been over to his country 3 times before. I have met his cousins, aunties, uncles, mum, dad, brother, grandparents, friends and neighbours. Some of them I know better than others and some are nicer than others. 

This cousin of my husband is a really nice guy from what I could tell. His mum and dad like him and so does his uncles and aunties and neighbours, well everyone who knows him really. He’s calm and thinks thinhs through before he does them. He’s responsible and had his life pretty well figured out. He had a house which he and his girlfriend of 9 years had slowly made better with whatever they managed to save from their jobs. Even when things weren’t as good as they could have been they always spent time together and always had time to go out. If not to have a meal just for a drink. His girlfriend also looked like a nice girl. She had a job and was a reponsible girl. Her in-laws liked her and so did my husband’s mum and dad and the neighbours closest to her and those who knew her. 

Now I do have to say I don’t know what happened in their personal life but what I learned shocked me to the point of where I am only just about coming to grips with what happened to them. So here goes.

Me and my husband and realxing he’s playing his game on his PC and I’m watching a film. He got a phone call on his phone from his brother asking him how he was and also asking as we have a car if we can go pick up this cousin of theirs from the airport as he is coming to the UK in a few days time. My husband was very happy as he had already sugested that he come here but he always declined. We said we would go and pick him up no problem. We were excited and happy and then I asked my husband if his girlfriend was coming too. He said no just him. I said I don’t know how people just leave their other half in one country and go to another country without them. I wouldn’t be able to do that. My husband said that he wouldn’t be able to do that either such I was quite happy about. He said maybe he wants to get married so he’s saving some moneu for the wedding or maybe she’s pregnant and he needs money for that. We were both happy and excited that maybe we had big news coming when he got here.

So the day came and we drove to the airport to pick his cousin up. We didn’t have to wait long before he came. He looked like he was tired but travelling does that to you. We said hello to him asked how was his flight and he said it was fine but he just wanted to smoke a cigarette. Since we had my niece with us mr and her walked ahead away from the smoking area and waited for them there. Now since I can’t actually talk to his cousin I asked my husband to ask him how his girlfriend was doing. My husband looked at me with this face, the face of someone who has just heard unexpected news. He says to me they are not together anymore I said what no way are you sure. He shook his head up and down saying yes he just told me. I was in shock and wondering what happened for them not to be together anymore. They looked good together, they both looked happy… 

I left it at that since I didn’t want to push for answers and my niece was with us. I figured I would ask my husband what happened later when we got home. We stopped on the motorway services and had a coffee and a bite to eat. My husband and his cousin sat together and me and my niece sat together. Although we were sitting in different tables and speaking diferent languages I could tell what they were talking about. I could tell by the expressions on their faces and a bit later on by the tears running down the cousoms face. I felt so bad for him. He’s such a nice guy you know. He didn’t deserve to be alone and I could tell it hurt. I could tell he was still in pain and not ready to move on. We got back in the car and went where we had to go.

Later at home and away from everyone I asked my husband if his cousin had explained what had happened. He said yes he had told him. He explained to me what happened he said to me my cousin was shocked and he’s still upset and watching him like that breaks my heart. He said he wasn’t expecting it. He told me they were both sat at home on the sofa and she got a message. She then got up and said to him im leaving he said ok where are you going thinking she’s going to a friend’s house or to the shop to buy something. She said I’m leaving you. He said what? What are you talking about? She says I don’t want anything from you. Everything we have done together on the house and everything else you can keep. Here is half of the money we saved for you and I have half of the money for me. I have packed my things im going now. And just like that she left no explanation, no goodbyes. His cousin was shocked he didn’t know what had just happened. They were sat on the sofa watching tv one minute and the other she was breaking up with him and leaving the house. 

How can somene just do that? I can only imagine what he was thinking. All the self doubt and all the questions. What just happened? What did I do wrong? Why did she leave? Where is she going? What am I going to do?

He found out a couple of days later what had really happened. She didn’t just move out she moved out of their house to the house of a other man. Not just any mans house her bosses house. Not only was he her boss he was a friend my husband’s cousin. They went out for meals together, he came to their house and they talked and laughed together at the same table. So what does this so called friend and his girlfriend do? They stab him in the back. 

She stopped working at her bosses place so she now has no job as he is providing for her. She lives at his house and goes shopping with her friends. She goes out shopping everyday. She eats out everyday. How could she have done something like that. They had a joint social media account wich a few weeks earlier she then had made one just for her. I didn’t think anyrhi g of it because people do that all the time.  Up until a few days before she left him she kept posting pictures of her and my husbands cousin of when they were out just that week on social media. Shes Hugging him and kissing his cheek and now she’s posting pictures of her and her new person.

How can a person do that. She knew she was going to leave him so why do all of this. Why send friend requests to everyone he knows so that they then can see how messed up she is and how she has left her boyfriend of 9 years to go out with someone who will probably trade her up for the next newest model whenever he gets tired of this one? Why throw away something so good? Why does she keep torturing him, playing him and make him suffer by making him watch then two together?

Please don’t go!

I see the shadow of goodbye in your eyes, 

I feel that when night becomes day you will be leaving,

But all of our memories I can not forget 

You know that to my heart I do not know how to lie.

There is no more left for me to do, 

I dont know if you will understand, 

I just  want to say,

Please don’t go because I do not know how to live without you.

You will be forever who I want. For who I will despair. 

Without you I will lose part of me, please don’t go.

How can I stop me from wanting you,

You only thought me to love but never to forget 

Now there is only one more thing left to say

Please don’t go. 

Mummy loves you very much Diego

Babies everywhere 

So every time I go somewhere or even if I stay home I hear about someone being pregnant or having a baby already. 2 of my co-workers were pregnant and just had their babies. My other mate at work his girlfriend was pregnant and just had her baby today. Another one of my colleagues partner just had a baby two moths ago. One of my colleagues her daughter has just had her baby. My cousin just had his baby boy with his wife. My other cousins girlfriend is pregnant and should be having hers soon. I found out the other day another cousin of mine is 5 months pregnant. My brothers wife is also pregnant and a few other people too. The list just keeps on growing everyday not to mention the customers that come to the shop. Everyday however I do not make it to this growing list of people having babies or being pregnant. 

The day of the death of my son is closer and closer everyday and I honestly dont know how I will be. I maybe ok but I may also breakdown and just, well lose it. 

With everyday that goes by I miss him more and more. People say it will get easier and also say that I will make it through. They say I’m still young and will have another baby. 

As if they know anything about my life. Most of them didn’t know I was pregnant until after my baby boy died so who are they to even pretend that they know anything about my life.

They give you advice and say it will all be ok. But how can they say if they dont know the pain. What do they know if this has never happened to them. 

One of my friends at work unfortunately had a similar thing happen to him. His baby died just a few days old. Didn’t even leave the hospital. He was devastated and to be honest he’s the only one who knows what I feel and he knows he doesn’t get easier but you learn to live with it and just because you look ok doesn’t mean I am ok. 

I was at work a while back and I was told to put some baby clothes out to sell. So I did. I went and did my job. You  know it was just clothes but I had a breakdown. I had to go and hide myself in HR office so I wouldn’t be that girl who cries at work. I honestly didnt think that baby clothes would upset me the way that it did but it just bought back memories and feelings that were still very much alive. Seeing those clothes and knowing my baby would be wearing those if he hadn’t died. He would have been so spoilt. He was already spoilt. He already had toys and blankets and clothes and all sorts. I wouldn’t leave his side. I would be one of those chicken mums who never let their children out of their sight. Always making sure that he was ok. But I didn’t get a chance to show him how much I loved him. My friend at work here told me he didn’t tske it well. He went into a depression and if anyone dared to smile or laugh in his presence then he would snap and tell at them to get away from him and his house. How dare them laugh knowing what had just happened to him and his family. And I understood what he was saying. I understood because that was what happened to me too. People were laughing and joking and just didn’t realise that at that moment that is not what you want to do or hear. You just want to be left alone to grieve.

I just hope that he knew how much I loved and cared for him. 

Thoughts and deceit 

I have moved my fair share of times. I habe moved country 3 times I have moved house about 15 times. Houses never mean anything to me it’s just a house where I live. I am grateful for them obviously they keep me safe and warm. However I know that for some people their house is their home and they wouldn’t give it up for anything. 

I will never forget certain houses that I have lived in that I will always remember. Certain things happened that make it more memorable. The house I live in currently I’m not sure what I want to do. I don’t know if I want to forget it or always remember. 

In this house I lived when I was pregnant. In this house was where I lived when I lost him. In this house was when I lost my baby. In this house was when I lost Diego.

I know I will bever forget Diego. He will forever and always be in mind, my heart and my life. But I keep looking around and everywhere I look reminds me of him or when I was pregnant with him. I see the clothes I had for him. I see his bed. I see the life I would have had if he was here. 

I keep thinking maybe I need to redecorate. Maybe I need change things around. 

After Diego died me and my husband were very upset. We had just lost the future we thought we were going to have. I was an emotional wreck and my husband was trying to keeping together. I knew that maybe if I got him something to keep him distracted it would help him out a bit. He always wanted to buy a fish tank. I know it might not sound like much but he loves fish and he always wanted one. So we decided it would be a good idea if we bought one back then. He went a bit crazy and spemt quite alot of money but I didn’t care. It made him happy. It made him forget for a little while. I am thankful that we got it because it helped him deal with the situation. Right now though everytime I see the fish tank all I can remember is the days leading up to buying the fishtank and the fish. It reminds me of the dreaded day my baby died. 

I’ve wanted to move house for a while now and I don’t know if thats the right decision or not. Well to be honest not just move house but mobe from this city.  Move from the city where everyone looks sideways and makes comments under their breath to other people. Move away from people who think that because I have gained weight it means that I am pregnant. Away from people whi have no idea how much it hurts to hear those comments and say no im not pregnant. Away from people who ask me when will I have another baby when even I don’t know if I will be able to or not. Start fresh. Somewhere where no one is going to be poking around in my life. Everytime I mention it to my husband it’s always a big no. He doesn’t want to move. He wants to stay here. He says he doesn’t want to move again and start all over again. So we stay here. I may not be happy about it at the moment but I think he thinks staying here will be better for me  because I have my family around.

My days off are the worst. I love not being at work but being home alone is well lonely. Im off but my husband works so we can’t go out together. My family is good but I would rather not spend time with then some days because it can get a bit much. My so called friends abandoned me when I needed them the most. The only time they talk to me is when they need something from me. The other day ar work my so called friends came up to me and was asking how I was doing. I said I was doing fine and she said to me whe should go out for food sometime and talk. Im not going to lie it made me a litle bit happy. We didn’t fix a day since we were both at work and were busy at that time so we left it at that. The next shift we had together she galked to me again and asked how I was. She then follows with “I need your help please. Can you do my shift at the weekend I have to go somewhere and you’re my only hope.” The penny dropped and I felt like an idiot. Why did I think that she actually wanted to spend time with me like old times? I told her I would do it simply because I couldn’t be bothered to say no and listen to her beg. Ofcourse the only reason she’s talking to me is so I can do somethig for her. Well jokes on me I guess. Fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me. I guess that’s how you learn from your mistakes.