October 

So October so far has been ok. 

I finally had some time to go and see my friend who is now overdue. She’s not happy about that. I gave her the baby things I bought for her and she was quite happy with it all. I got her (the baby) this really cute outfit it looks great and she actually wanted to buy it but ended up not buying it. I keep waiting for a message or a call from her to tell me that her baby has been born and everything went fine and they are both ok. I worry constantly if something will go wrong with either of them. Hopefully everything will be ok. 

We have found a house to move in to. It’s an ok house but nothing amazing. There is quite a lot of things we need to do before we move on. Painting the walls and we have to put varnish in the wooden floors. There are a few bits here and there so hopefully will get this all done before we have to move out from this one. 

My niece turned 5 years old this month. 5 YEARS!!!! How is that even possible. I remember holding her for the first time not very long ago and she’s 5 already??! Time sure does fly. I haven’t seen her since June. She lives in Portugal. She’s the most spoilt girl I have ever seen. She’s got mummy and daddy wrapped around her little finger. It was also no nieces dad’s birthday( my brother) this month and a few cousins.  This month is busy for that and so is December actually. 

My other niece is now a month old. Still haven’t seen her in real life just in pictures. They live in France. Can’t get the holidays from work to go and see them. They said Hopefully they will come and visit us in December so I’m hoping everything will go ok till then and they will be able to come. I miss my brother too. We were quite close he’s only a few years older than me so we got on quite well. But then he got a wife and moved away and didn’t talk to me for just under 2 years. We’ve talked by message since but it’s never the same. 

I was supposed to go out tonight with a couple of friends but as it turns out we are all ill. How did we all get I’ll at the same time? I went to work today and had to finish early so I only worked for about 2 and half hours. So I texted them in our group chat and told them and the reply I get from both of then was just we’re also ill. We didn’t want to cancel but at the same time we didn’t want to risk it go out and get worst. So we all rescheduled and are having a games night  next week. Works for everyone. So now I’m tucked up in bed watching series and blowing my nose for what feels like every 2 minutes. So if anyone sees me out within the next few days with a red nose like a clown please don’t judge me. 

Ok everyone hope you have a good weekend. 

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Updating 

So I haven’t written in a while. For longer than I care to admit. There’s just so much that has happened since and not all of it good. 

So my husband and I went on holiday for 2 weeks and I got to show him where I come from. He saw my house  and where I grew up, some of my neighbours and family. We had a good time and mostly enjoyed ourselves. We went to the beach and enjoyed the sunshine. 

It wasn’t all easy. I had people ask me about my pregnancy and what happened with my baby. People who don’t even know his name because they are not that close to me and don’t really care they just want to know everything. I just felt like satin well, it’s really none of your business and his name is Diego. 

That is defenatly one of the things I did not miss from back home. Nosy people just wanting to know everything about your life. It was hard to have to talk about it but at the same time I’m glad that I did. It gets people to known it happens more often than they know. 

So that’s basically that from my holidays.

When we came back to UK I was slightly worried and called to make a doctors appointment which turned out to be 3 weeks after. As I said before I have a medical condition known as polycystic ovaries or PCOS for short. This basically means I do not have regular periods. They can go from very heavy flow to a very light flow. My period comes and goes as it pleases. There are also other complications such as weight gain and trouble looking weight. Infertility or difficulty conceiving. Hair growth not in places you would like and occasionally loss of hair on your head. Anyway it’s not the worst thing you could have bit it’s not very pleasing either. So my period hadn’t made an appearance in 3 months which doesn’t usually happen. So I went to the doctor and explained that I have PCOS and haven’t one any tests in a while and could she maybe book me to check. Previously when it was that irregular they had found a cyst in my ovaries which was causing the irregularities which (the cyst) ended up going away on its own. So the doctor booked me for some blood tests and a scan on my ovaries. The blood test only took a week and a half to book and get the results. So I went back to the doctor and she told me that in a good surprising way my blood test came back normal. She was expecting some kind of hormonal imbalance. So she sent me on my way and I had to wait for my scan appointment which only took 3 weeks to get. I was quite nervous when I went for my scan. I was afraid they would find something wrong with me. So I did the scan and asked if everything was ok and they told me “the doctor will tell you the results”. I know that this doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with me but they didn’t say everything was ok either. So I started panicking and thinking the worst. I had scheduled a phone appointment with the doctor so she could tell me the results. I made sure that I was at home that day in case she had something to tell me that I would cry my eyes out. I waited what seemed like forever. She eventually called and asked me what I wanted to discuss and so o told her I wanted to know the results and she said that everything was normal. There were no cysts or anything that they could see out of the ordinary. This was such a relief but at the same time wasn’t very comforting because I didn’t know exactly why my period wasn’t coming. I knew thatch wasn’t pregnant because I did several tests just to check. So she prescribed me some tablets which are suppose to help with my insulin. I haven’t got diabetes but PCOS has a tendency to mess with your insulin levels which helps to cause weight gain. 

I have to be honest I only took the tablets 2 times and have forgotten everyday since then. Nearly 5 months without a period and it decided to show up this week. Don’t get me wrong I’m glad that it did but at the same time it’s so annoying having to have it. 

I may also have to move house at some point in the next few weeks/months. My landlord wants to live at this house so that’s us gone. All the houses are so expensive though it’s ridiculous. One person’s wage goes just on rent so as you can see it’s not cheap also if your single don’t think you’ll be moving in your own place without renting to someone any time soon. Unfortunately our wages stay the same while everything just seems to be on the rise. We haven’t found anything suitable yet but have to keep looking.

So that’s my piece of news. 

In the other hand my brothers wife, (my sister in law) has had a healthy baby girl 2 weeks ago. They are both ok but his wife had to have some stitches as she tore while giving birth and was a quite painful. 

My longest friend I think everything is going ok with her and her baby. She has finally decided on a name. She is due in about 22 days so it’s nearly there. I have bought some things for her and her baby. I just keep spending my money on baby things I can’t help it. Hopefully she will find the things I got for her and her a baby useful. I’m going to see her hopefully honest weekend. Can’t wait to see her. It’s been more than a month since I got to see her. 

Life just seems to go by so quickly. Please make sure you take time to enjoy life and spend time with your loved ones. You won’t get this time back. 

Yet another pregnancy

So today I am casually scrolling through social media when I see a new post from my oldest friend. 

We have literally been friends since before we were both. Our mother’s were friends and were both pregnant at the same time with only 2 months difference between us me being the oldest. She was a big part of my life and I would like to think she still is a big part of my live. We always played together when we were younger. I used to go to her house and she would come to mine. I think we both preferred her house because she had more toys and more space to play in. We grew up together until she moved to England when she was 5. We were apart for a while and then she moved back to our home country. She moved again and after that coincedentaly we moved to England too because of financial circumstances. So in all our teenage years we grew up together. I love her more than I should maybe but she’s my oldest friend and for that I will always love her. 

So I am scrolling and I see a post from her. She had tagged her boyfriend on a post she shared. It was  picture of a man’s top and it read “Daddy 2017” then there was a phone battery half way full and underneath that said “loading”. 

So I send her a message saying how are you and also are you pregnant? She replies to me that she is ok and yes She is pregnant. Imediatly all these emotions come flooding over me. 

I’m excited for them both because obviously it’s a very big milestone in any couples live. 

I’m scared that things may not go as normal pregnancies go and something might happen to her or the baby. 

I’m happy that my longest friend is going to be a mummy. 

I’m concerned about their financial situation at the moment and worrying if they will be ok for when the baby comes. 

I’m also kind of jealous because this was an accident in their case as she was freaking out not in a good way when she found out, and me and my husband keep trying and sort of failing. 

I’m sad because my baby boy Diego isn’t here because they could play together and be childhood friends like we were. 

I’m upset because I  don’t have a family like I wanted to have by now.

It may not sound like much to some people but being a mum is just one of those things I always thought I would be. Some people would be scared at the fact that they would ever have a baby. 

She tells me that I need to keep trying and eventually it will happen. She doesn’t however see how those kind of comments hurt. It hurts because we ate trying and it hurts because I am failing. 

She is worried about her baby. She’s scared something will happen and that the baby won’t be ok. She asked me about what happened to me and Diego so she could keep an eye on herself. She is scared because someone else she knows had an abortion because her baby was going to be severely deformed and would basically die as soon as he was born she was 19 weeks pregnant. 

Too many people take pregnancy for granted. So many people have babies everyday and alot of the babies are ok but so many babies are not. There are so many risks and if you are like me you go through so many scenarios in your head that you don’t really get to enjoy pregnancy as you should. I think about the baby of how he could be born early and have problems for the rest of his/her life. I think about how the baby could be I’ll as soon as she/he is born and would have to stay in hospital. I think how it can be dangerous to the woman her self and how still to this day women die from childbirth. All the illnesses and all the conditions there are. I always worry I can’t help it. 

A little catch up…

I’m never alone. At home I have my family, at work I have colleagues. The only alone time I get is the time between me finishing work and my husband coming home from work and that is when I’m in bed getting ready to go to sleep. 

Just because I’m never alone however doesn’t mean you don’t get lonely. Like I said before my husband has always been an amazing help through out everything. He knows what to do and what to say most of the time. He’s started a new job now so he’s not around like he used to. I know it sounds stupid but I liked coming home from work and my husband being at home and we just talked and cuddled. Now he’s not here when I come home I miss it. More importantly I miss him. 

We went to see Diego the other day. My husband doesn’t usually talk much about what happened it’s how he deals with it. But it’s times like that when we visit him that I know exactly how he feels because even though he tries to be manly and suck it up I see how much it upsets him. And it hurts to see someone you love so much hurt that way. 

My brother and his wife already know if they are having a boy or a girl. They sent the family cards with photos from the scan and a scratch here to find out boy or girl. It was nice but it did make me upset. I’m happy for them but also  worried I just hope that they will be ok and nothing bad will happen.

I love you now and forever

I love you Diego always have and always will with all my heart. 

Mummy misses you so much. 

I will never forget you.

You’ll always be with me 

From the day I knew of you

I knew I would love you untill the day I died

You were strong and you were brave

You fought to stay with us

We did all we could

Today is your birthday

I’ll never forget 

The day I held you in my arms

The day you died close to my heart

The day my heart broke when you left.

You are gone but never forgotten
My gorgeous baby boy Diego.

You think you know someone…

Ok so today’s blog is not about Diego it’s about something that has been annoying me for the last month, my husbands cousin and his current situation. 

As you might know neither me or my husband are from England but we are both from different countries. I can’t speak his language or understand it. I pick up the odd work here and there but that’s about it. 

I have been over to his country 3 times before. I have met his cousins, aunties, uncles, mum, dad, brother, grandparents, friends and neighbours. Some of them I know better than others and some are nicer than others. 

This cousin of my husband is a really nice guy from what I could tell. His mum and dad like him and so does his uncles and aunties and neighbours, well everyone who knows him really. He’s calm and thinks thinhs through before he does them. He’s responsible and had his life pretty well figured out. He had a house which he and his girlfriend of 9 years had slowly made better with whatever they managed to save from their jobs. Even when things weren’t as good as they could have been they always spent time together and always had time to go out. If not to have a meal just for a drink. His girlfriend also looked like a nice girl. She had a job and was a reponsible girl. Her in-laws liked her and so did my husband’s mum and dad and the neighbours closest to her and those who knew her. 

Now I do have to say I don’t know what happened in their personal life but what I learned shocked me to the point of where I am only just about coming to grips with what happened to them. So here goes.

Me and my husband and realxing he’s playing his game on his PC and I’m watching a film. He got a phone call on his phone from his brother asking him how he was and also asking as we have a car if we can go pick up this cousin of theirs from the airport as he is coming to the UK in a few days time. My husband was very happy as he had already sugested that he come here but he always declined. We said we would go and pick him up no problem. We were excited and happy and then I asked my husband if his girlfriend was coming too. He said no just him. I said I don’t know how people just leave their other half in one country and go to another country without them. I wouldn’t be able to do that. My husband said that he wouldn’t be able to do that either such I was quite happy about. He said maybe he wants to get married so he’s saving some moneu for the wedding or maybe she’s pregnant and he needs money for that. We were both happy and excited that maybe we had big news coming when he got here.

So the day came and we drove to the airport to pick his cousin up. We didn’t have to wait long before he came. He looked like he was tired but travelling does that to you. We said hello to him asked how was his flight and he said it was fine but he just wanted to smoke a cigarette. Since we had my niece with us mr and her walked ahead away from the smoking area and waited for them there. Now since I can’t actually talk to his cousin I asked my husband to ask him how his girlfriend was doing. My husband looked at me with this face, the face of someone who has just heard unexpected news. He says to me they are not together anymore I said what no way are you sure. He shook his head up and down saying yes he just told me. I was in shock and wondering what happened for them not to be together anymore. They looked good together, they both looked happy… 

I left it at that since I didn’t want to push for answers and my niece was with us. I figured I would ask my husband what happened later when we got home. We stopped on the motorway services and had a coffee and a bite to eat. My husband and his cousin sat together and me and my niece sat together. Although we were sitting in different tables and speaking diferent languages I could tell what they were talking about. I could tell by the expressions on their faces and a bit later on by the tears running down the cousoms face. I felt so bad for him. He’s such a nice guy you know. He didn’t deserve to be alone and I could tell it hurt. I could tell he was still in pain and not ready to move on. We got back in the car and went where we had to go.

Later at home and away from everyone I asked my husband if his cousin had explained what had happened. He said yes he had told him. He explained to me what happened he said to me my cousin was shocked and he’s still upset and watching him like that breaks my heart. He said he wasn’t expecting it. He told me they were both sat at home on the sofa and she got a message. She then got up and said to him im leaving he said ok where are you going thinking she’s going to a friend’s house or to the shop to buy something. She said I’m leaving you. He said what? What are you talking about? She says I don’t want anything from you. Everything we have done together on the house and everything else you can keep. Here is half of the money we saved for you and I have half of the money for me. I have packed my things im going now. And just like that she left no explanation, no goodbyes. His cousin was shocked he didn’t know what had just happened. They were sat on the sofa watching tv one minute and the other she was breaking up with him and leaving the house. 

How can somene just do that? I can only imagine what he was thinking. All the self doubt and all the questions. What just happened? What did I do wrong? Why did she leave? Where is she going? What am I going to do?

He found out a couple of days later what had really happened. She didn’t just move out she moved out of their house to the house of a other man. Not just any mans house her bosses house. Not only was he her boss he was a friend my husband’s cousin. They went out for meals together, he came to their house and they talked and laughed together at the same table. So what does this so called friend and his girlfriend do? They stab him in the back. 

She stopped working at her bosses place so she now has no job as he is providing for her. She lives at his house and goes shopping with her friends. She goes out shopping everyday. She eats out everyday. How could she have done something like that. They had a joint social media account wich a few weeks earlier she then had made one just for her. I didn’t think anyrhi g of it because people do that all the time.  Up until a few days before she left him she kept posting pictures of her and my husbands cousin of when they were out just that week on social media. Shes Hugging him and kissing his cheek and now she’s posting pictures of her and her new person.

How can a person do that. She knew she was going to leave him so why do all of this. Why send friend requests to everyone he knows so that they then can see how messed up she is and how she has left her boyfriend of 9 years to go out with someone who will probably trade her up for the next newest model whenever he gets tired of this one? Why throw away something so good? Why does she keep torturing him, playing him and make him suffer by making him watch then two together?

Please don’t go!

I see the shadow of goodbye in your eyes, 

I feel that when night becomes day you will be leaving,

But all of our memories I can not forget 

You know that to my heart I do not know how to lie.

There is no more left for me to do, 

I dont know if you will understand, 

I just  want to say,

Please don’t go because I do not know how to live without you.

You will be forever who I want. For who I will despair. 

Without you I will lose part of me, please don’t go.

How can I stop me from wanting you,

You only thought me to love but never to forget 

Now there is only one more thing left to say

Please don’t go. 

Mummy loves you very much Diego