I don’t know why but I was always on the gloom side. Well not gloom exactly just fearful I guess and realistic so when a normal person just thinks of the positives I mostly thing of what could go wrong.
I always knew pregnancy wasn’t easy. There were the sleepless nights and the sickness and the crazy cravings but to me that’s not what was bothering me. I was more concerned of the more serious things like what if my baby has an illness that hasn’t been picked up (I would still love my boy with whole my heart no matter what but there were things that need to be taken care of), what if something goes wrong during the pregnancy, what if I slip and fall, what if I somehow hurt him, what if something goes wrong during the labour,what if he dies? I just needed to be aware that any if these things could happen.
I never asked anyone but I’m 90% sure that people don’t usually think of these things. They think of decorating the room and buying clothes and everything they need for the baby. I was also thinking about these things but I just couldn’t shake those nagging questions at the back of my head which insisted on making an appearance at times I did not want them to.
We carried on with our daily routines.
A litle over a week after my ultrasound I was at work and I started getting mild pain here and there but nothing to really take notice of. My boy was growing so I just put it down to growing pains. It went on for 2 more days. On the 3rd day I was getting stronger pains at work everyone told me don’t worry he’s just growing. I went home and the pain got stronger. I went to bed and tried to sleep it off. I slept for 45 minutes maybe and woke up with a pain I knew was not normal for me. I woke my husband up and he said let’s go for a walk maybe it will help so we got up and went for a walk. It did help the pain stopped for a while and I slept for about 30 minutes and woke up with some much pain I thought I had kidney stones or something. My husband woke up because of all the tossing and turning and asked if I wanted to go to the hospital I told him no its fine, it will pass. A few minutes later he told me we were going to the hospital and told me no point in arguing we were going. So we went. We went to the emergency unit who told me to go to the maternity unit since I was pregnant so we did.
We got there and we went to a room where a nurse came in and asked me to go on the bed so she could check the baby. He was fine he was moving his hands and his heartbeat was good too. The nurse then asked me to take my trousers off and the doctor would be in shortly. So I did and layed on the bed. He came in checked and looked at the nurse. I knew it wasn’t good news they had that look on their faces. They looked at each other for what seemed to be like for me an eternity and he started shaking his head slowly but wasn’t saying anything just stammering he said I’m sorry it’s not good news…. and stopped he just wouldn’t get the words out and I was getting angry that they weren’t saying anything, even though I wanted that what I suspected to be wrong I asked the baby’s coming and they both said yes. My heart stopped. I didn’t breath, I didn’t cry, I didn’t move. I lay there on the bed and didn’t dare move. The dreadful things that had always lingered in my mind was happening and even though I knew it was happening I didn’t want to hear, i dindnt want to believe it. My boy was only 5 months through he still had nearly half way to go.
I went to a delivery room where I was met by the midwife and a few other people I can’t remember. I was told to lay on the bed again as they would have to check me again and see where I was at. I was 8cm dilated by this point the midwife said. I lay on my bed with my husband sitting next to me. We were both in shock. Everything had been fine. The baby was fine. Why was this happening? Why is our healthy boy coming now? We were confused full of questions and worries and wondering what will happen next but even though we had all these questions neither of us could get a word out. The doctor came and explained that at this point they were going to get some blood tests done. Everyone was really nice and sympathetic which was great but I was just still in shock. I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t listen, I just couldn’t do anything. All I did was lay in my bed motionless scared that anything I did may make it worse than it already was. The blood results came back and they found that I had an infection. After finding this they said that it would be best to get me induced as it wasn’t good for my boy to stay longer as he was going to come out abyway. There was no stopping it and the longer he stayed in the worst it would be for him. They started IV antibiotics straight away and connected me to the machine so they could monitor my heartbeat and everything else they needed. I was given a blood thiner so my blood wouldn’t clot and was induced. We were introduced to the team that would be looking after us and what everyone’s job was and why they needed to be there. I can barely remember anything they told us if anything at all. I heard them but I still couldn’t take it in. It was all so hazy and not because I was on painkillers because I wasnt and I hadn’t had any since I got there or before. It was hazy because of what was happening.
The baby’s doctors came in and talked to us. They said that our boy was still young and that they didn’t know how he was going to hold up after he came out. They were going to do their best to keep him alive. Those words “try to keep him alive” they cut through my heart like a knife. I knew it, I knew that the odds were not good for my boy but hearing him say it, hearing him say it… I couldn’t hold it anymore and I cried my eyes out. My husband came closer to me and hugged me tight and for a while we just cried. After some time the baby’s doctor said there was a small chance that he would make it and if he did he would never have a normal life. He would more than likely have to stay at the hospital for months attached to an incubator being closely monitored ad soon as he was born. He explained because our boy was so young his lungs hadn’t developed properly at this stage so they were going to try to intubate him and put him in an encubator as soon as he was out but because his lungs were still underdeveloped they didn’t know if it was going to be possible to do that. He also said that because of this he may also have some kind of brain damage and would never have a normal live if he survived. The doctor asked what do you want us to do? We told him do everything you can to help our baby boy.
I know it sounds stupid but from the moment I got to the hospital I knew my baby boy wasnt going to make it, I knew he wasn’t old enough but at the same time I held tight to every shred of hope I had and hoped he would live. I was heartbroken and safe to say an emotional wreck. My husband stayed by me every step of the way and I was grateful he did.