My baby’s doctor had just explained to me what was going to happen. Explained the chances of survival for my boy were very low, critically low and if he did survive his life wold never be lived properly. Because he was only half way though his lungs were underdeveloped and he can’t breath on his own. He would be in incubators for months on end as soon as he was born maybe even a year or more. He would have some kind of brain damage. And if he did make it through all of that he would always be dependant on someone. He would always need someone to take care of him.
We were heartbroken and scared. Scared of what was coming, scared because we didn’t know what was coming exactly, scared because we didn’t know what was going to happen and scared because we didn’t want to loose our boy. A boy we wanted so much and even though he was only young the love we had for him was unreal it’s a love neither of us had experienced before and never knew it was possible.
We waited in silence just looking at each other not saying a word. Just trying to reasure each other without words because both of us knew the moment we said anything we would break down.
The contractions started. Witht the help of my husband and my midwife I got through an hour of pushing at every contraction I had. I didn’t have anything for the pain. I was given the gas and air if I wanted to use it but I did it mostly with just controlling my breathing. The midwife said it was normal that after one hour of pushing to tell the doctor just so he knows what was happening. 5 minutes later the delivery room was full of people. At that moment I was overwhelmed, between the contractions and all the doctors in the room. I quickly managed to shut them out and focus on what I was doing. My waters had not broken yet so the doctor broke the waters for me (to be honest I think that the doctor breaking my waters was the most physically painful thing after the contractions that day). As soon as that happened I had 15 minutes to get my baby boy out. There were people telling me to push and people talking in the corner about what the plan was for when the baby came out. Honestly I just wanted to tell them all to shut up because all I wanted was my husband guiding me through, he was doing great. He was doing better than me. He kept reasuring me and saying I was doing great and at the darkest of times when I said I couldn’t do it anymore he told me to suck it in because he knew I could. He told me he married a strong wife so he knew I could. One more push that’s all it took after all this, one more push and my baby was out. He was alive and for about 2 seconds he cried.
From there the doctors were making sure everything was ok with me while my baby’s doctors were doing what they could. My husband told me I had done it and all I wanted at that moment was be in his arms. The safest place in the world.
My baby’s doctor came up to us and told us that he was indeed too small and his lungs hadn’t developed enough and asked us what we wanted him to do, carry on trying or give him to us. My husband and I agreed it was time to stop and we wanted to see him. And right at that time I cried like I had never cried in my whole life. They gave me my baby so I could hold him and he slowly died in my arms. He was beautiful. He was my baby boy. The boy we had planned so much for, the boy we would always miss. The boy I would never be able to take home and show to my family and friends. We stayed with our baby a while longer just holding him in our arms. The nurse asked if we had a name in mind and we had discussed some before so we named him Diego. My Diego. He was only 540 grams. My litle baby boy.
We hadnt told anyone what had happened. No one knew where we were. We left in the middle of the night when everyone was asleep and there was no point in telling them when we found out what was going on. I didn’t want anyone there. I just wanted my husband and I know for a fact that if my parents knew they would want to be there but right at that moment I didn’t want them around. Not that I don’t love them because I do love them very much but sometimes you need some alone time before you can face what’s coming. We were very unprepared for what had happened I didn’t have any clothes with me except for the ones I had when we went to the hospital the night before. We had some missed calls from my parents wondering where we were. My strong, lovely and amazing husband had one of the hardest jobs of all. He had to go home to get me some clothes but also face the family and tell them what happened, he had to do all this while he himself was still dealing with the fact that his son, his baby boy had died.I was thankful in a way that I was going to be by myself for a while. It gave me time to get cleaned up and be ready for when my parents arrived. It also gave me time to have a good cry again and some more time with my baby boy Diego before everyone started calling and messaging and asking if they could come.