Heartbroken and Lost

This had been by far the worst day of my life. It started off with physical pain and finished with the strongest emotional pain I have ever known. The pain of loosing a son. 

After going through labour and asking my husband to go home and get me some clothes as I would  be staying at the hospital for a couple of nights I was alone. I was glad I was alone it gave me time to grief by myself without the doctors around without anyone around. I cried and cried. I was physically exhausted and emotionally drained. Not sleeping all night and now at around 17.00 still with no sleep and having lost my baby boy, Diego. I was sitting on the bed and I knew I had to pretend to be strong for when my parents arrived. I had to pretend I was ok and everything was going to be fine when all I wanted to do was scream and cry. My parents arrived with my husband. I could tell they had been crying, which is saying something well for my dad at least my mum is more emotional. I have only seen my dad cry 2 times his whole life. 1 time when my mum had a very serious operation and the 2nd time today which when they came in like that made want to cry even more but I had to stay strong. Not long after I was transfered to a different ward. It was like a one bedroom flat. It had a litle kitchen and sitting room together a room with a bed and a cabinet and a bathroom with a shower. I really did apreciate the fact that I wasn’t put together in the same room as the mums with their newborn babies. I don’t think I would have been able to handle it. I got into the bed after the nurse brought me there and my parents came in. My parents wanted to see Diego so the sweet nurse went to get him for my parents to see. They held him and took pictures on their phones. They asked me questions about what happened and why it happened and I told them what I knew which wasn’t much.

I knee I had an infection but because I was already 8cm dilated they don’t know if it got there before ot after I went into labour. There was a number of reasons why this could happen and unfortunately there was no way to know for sure. I was told that they were going to look into it and try to determine why this happened but they couldn’t make any promises.

After a while of my parents being there my husband said he was going home and that he was going to give them a lift since they came in our car. I was glad that they were leaving. I knew my husband needed some alone time to process what happened and to just try and sleep since at this point we both had been up for about 40 or so hours. Although I wanted to be by myself my mum said she wanted to stay. I told her no please go home I’m fine. But she didn’t go. I know she was only doing it because she thought it was the best for me and I appreciated that but I just needed some alone time to grief, to try and sleep and try to calm myself witout anyone around. But thought hat had to be kept on hold until I was alone the next time.

That night as suprising as it might sound I was able to sleep. I think exhaustion just kicked in by then and I had no choice but too sleep. I woke up very early and still couldn’t believe what had happened.

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