The day after

So I woke up and still couldn’t believe it. I still couldn’t believe my baby boy, Diego was gone. I was in shock emotionally and mentally. I couldn’t cry… I was just in a blur and couldn’t do anything. My husband came and took my mother home and I was alone for a while. I thought maybe now I’m alone I can cry or do something but I didn’t. I just sat on the bed and did nothing until my husband came back. He came back and we sat together and we just stayed there for ages. My head was on his shoulder and his arm was around me and then from nowhere I started to cry which took me and my husband by surprise. I needed him there so I could cry I needed my rock to be there for me because I knew he was the only one who could handle me crying and the only one who could make me feel better. 

My mum decided to tell some of our friends what had happened so I got a visit from a friend. I don’t know what my mum was thinking. I know she was probably trying to do the right thing but it wasn’t. It really wasn’t. I didn’t need friends there at the moment I needed to be alone with my husband and I needed space to let it sink in. So our friend was there and I suppose she was trying to help but I can honestly say she wasn’t. I put up a front when she came and pretended everything was fine. She asked what happened. So I told her what I knew which wasn’t much. She then went with oh you’re both still young there will be more chances. I couldn’t belive she said that, I just couldn’t believe it and for the first time after loosing my baby I was angry, angry with the fact that it hadn’t even been 24 hours and she’s telling me it’s fine you can just move on and make another. How could she even say something like that. I was shocked, angry, and disappointed. Disappointed because I didn’t think she of all people would say that. It must be a rule that when you go and see someone who just lost their son or daughter you don’t say “well you’re young it’s fine there will be more kids”. That’s not the point now is it? No because he is my boy, he wasn’t supposed to die. He was suppose to outlive me. He was fine, he was alive and moving and his heart was beating and he was growing. So this wasn’t suppose to happen and it doesn’t matter than you can have another one because you don’t care about that at the moment when your baby has just died. And even then how does she know I can have another one. Maybe I can’t, maybe something happened and I couldn’t have any more children. Maybe it was hard to get pregnant in the first place. I didn’t have to wait years but we did have to wait at least 6 months of trying month after month when some people can just get pregnant with one mistake. 

Me personally I’m quite a private person. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog is because I know no one I know will read it. I don’t like telling people my life. Simple things in my life that are not important or even if they are huge important things. My life is my life and it’s private. You know what I choose to tell you. Doesn’t mean it’s not true but doesn’t mean I will tell them everything that happened. For example my baby died but people don’t need to know why. They don’t need to know that the doctors think it might have been the infection that started the whole process same like they don’t need to know that maybe it wasn’t. It’s litle things and big things that people don’t seem to understand that are meant to be private  and not shared with everyone.

I hadn’t told alot of people about my pregnancy,  I’m sure people started to notice but I didn’t tell that many people. I didn’t post my baby scans on social media or write long beautiful posts about how my life will change forever now that we are going to be a complete family, (because aparently if you just have a husband you can’t be a complete family). I kept to myself. We watched the scans together as a family. We cherished those moments with each other and our families withough having people fake commenting how happy they are even though they don’t care. I don’t need those  kind of people in my life. 

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