First week of holiday…

So after the first day we had we were both very tired… travelling that much in one day should not be done ever… do not recommend it. We tried to sleep in but soon there were the builders the relatives and friends coming around and there was no more sleeping in. We got up and had breakfast but his mum didn’t want us around while they were fixing the house so we were told to leave the house and see people and go places so we went to day hi to everyone else we had to. I have to tell you I don’t really enjoy doing this as I don’t speak their languange and barely any of them speak English so I just stay there. Everyone tries to be nice but since I can’t speak to them or they to me then they speak to whoever they can speak. Now a few people knew I was pregnant before the holidays but no one told them that our baby boy had died unfortunately. Soto every house we went and everyone we saw my husband had to explain what happened. Luckily for me in a way I couldn’t understand most of what they were saying but I could tell from people’s body language. Since I didn’t understand them I didn’t have to talk to them about that but my husband did and I could see the hurt in his eyes and hear the hurt in his voice. If I had to do that I would have cried my heart out every time.

Now after loosing my baby boy Diego, my mood was not the best. I was angry, upset, annoyed you name it… and anything anyone said or did would throw me over and I would loose my temper and cry. This happened to me very frequently over the next few months. I would be fine one minute and the next I would pick a fight with my husband for the stupidest things like why was he eating, why don’t you just leave your phone. And i would have a meltdown because of these things. In the more serious fights i tried to pick was why don’t you just leave me since I can’t give you what you want, a baby boy/girl, or I know you don’t love me now and you’re going to leave me I know you are….

They were not easy times for me or him. I hated everything and everyone and if anyone tried to speak to me it better have been for a very good reason. The few friends I thought I had they couldn’t handle me in that state so they stayed as far away as possible. My only friend through all of this was my husband. I don’t know what I would have done without him. He was my everything for emotional support to physical support. He knew what to do to make me better, what to say to make me snap out. I loved him before but after what happened I love him more and I don’t even know how that is possible. I pushed him away. I made him crazy with all my litle episodes but he knew I would be better he knew that I was hurting and I just needed time to be fixed to put all the pieces back together again. I am forever grateful to him and I make sure I tell him everyday. 

We were on holiday and I think time away did me good but the fact that my baby died still remained. I could not/refused to pretend to be happy even if my wedding was just around the corner. I could not go accessories shopping and go to hair appointments and nail appointments and furniture shopping for my in-laws house. I wanted to have peace and quiet while I tried to fix myself. I could not pretend that I cared about the colour scheme and where people were sitting and what I had to do or even who was going to come. My in-laws did all of that. They did all the shopping except my wedding dress that I had from before. They even chose what hair style I was going to have. I really did not care about it. To me I already had a real wedding and this one was just for show. 

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