I should have been happy for them… 

So much has happened since then. Many breakdowns, many laughs, and many tears.  There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about Diego. I see other people with their babies and think how lucky they are that they get to spend time with their sons/daughters. I think about all the things they must be going through and have gone through. The worry when you first bring them home. You don’t know if it’s too cold, too hot, you don’t know what they need when they cry. You don’t know if they are hurting. The having to guess everything as they go along and hoping that what you are doing is what the baby needs. I think about the time they stressed out because their baby had a temperature and they knew he wasn’t well, the worry of the unknown. Not knowing why they are under the weather. I wonder about their sleepless nights. I wonder about all the moments they have had together, all the smiles and the giggles, their first smile, their first step, their first tooth… I day dream about all this and think do they know how lucky they are that their baby is by their side? 

I would do anything to have my baby back but unfortunately that’s just one of the many things that are out of my reach. To hear his laugh and his cries. 

I was at home the other day just sitting on the sofa and talking when I got a message come through to me. It was my brother and his wife. They were talking to me which was something surprising since they hadn’t bothered for the past 2 years of my life. They made small talk you know the how are you and what have you been doing… they then tell me that she is pregnant and I was going to be an auntie. Newsflash I am already an auntie to two gorgeous baby girls. Well they’re not exactly babies anymore but they’re my babies. The first thing that came to my mind was not happiness for them, I know it might sound very bad not to be happy for your brothers big news but I just felt broken. I felt like such a failure. They just happened to get pregnant. They weren’t trying. In fact they were trying not to and all of a suden bam she’s pregnant. It hurt me, it broke me inside. My baby had been gone for a little while but the pain of losing him was still there. I know to some people it doesn’t sound like it’s along of time but I was trying to get pregnant for 6 months before I was actually pregnant. To be honest I wasn’t sure I would get pregnant. Diego was the light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve been trying to get pregnant again for 1 year I have been trying this time and every month a disappointment. The heartbrake that maybe I will not be able to have another baby. I think part of the reason I felt so useless was because of that. Knowing that they didn’t want this baby now and yet I have been trying and nothing. 

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