Uncertainty…

So in my last post I was saying how I’m unsure weather I will get pregnant again for a few reasons.

One of the reasons is not so much as I can’t but I’m not sure I should. After I lost my beautiful baby boy, Diego I went into the worst phase of my life. I was angry at the world, angry with myself, angry with anyone who tried to tell me it was going to be better. Especially if the people saying it had never been through what I was going through. It broke me. I was a happy person and can still be but I know I am not the same as before. I can feel it. I am definitely more emotional. I was tough, not a lot could get to me. But after what happened I cry for the stupidest reasons. I cry because my husband is busy and can not spend time with me, I cry because I stay at home and don’t go out as much as before, I cry because I went out and all I kept seeing was mothers with their babies and thinking I didn’t have mine. I was left an emotional wreck. I am not as bad now but still get emotional.

If I get pregnant again I don’t know if I could make it through another heartbreak. If I get pregnant and I loose this baby too I am not sure that there is enough power inside of me to go through everything all over again. The pain of loosing Diego was the worst kind of pain, its not the kind you can kill with paracetamol. It’s the kind of pain that stays with you for life. I know people who have lost 4 babies before one of them survived. I do not have that kind of strength.

This other reason goes beyond something I can not control.

When I was 16 I was diagnosed with Polycystic ovary syndrome or PCOS for short. I will add a link bellow if anyone is interested on what it is and want to find out more.

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Polycystic-ovarian-syndrome/Pages/Introduction.aspx

This basically means that it makes hard or in some cases impossible to get pregnant. It affects a large number of women. The reason why its caused is still unknown. So as I am one of these women it means that if it was already hard for me to get pregnant it will be almost impossible now. This is why I said in my last post that Diego was like a light at the end of the tunnel. Even though we were trying to have a baby we knew that the changes of that happening were very slim so when it happened we were both happy.

We both want to have children of our own but if that is not possible we have talked about adopting, the thing with adopting is that they make it almost impossible for you to be qualified to take a child into your home and make a family. They make it hard for you to love a child that is in need of love, a child that you want to love.

Life is never easy, there are always things that make it difficult. There will always be something. I am trying to look positively to the future but I am not always successful in doing this.

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