Disappointment 

As you may know from the posts before I lost my sweet baby boy Diego. He was born too early and died in my arms. The anniversary of the day I lost him is fast approaching and I seem to get sadder and sadder,  more emotional with each day that comes closer. 

As you may also know from previous posts I am trying to get pregnant again. We really want to have a baby and every month that comes by is a let down. 
This month I was late and I thought to my self you know maybe this month is the month. I always tell myself don’t get too excited you could just be late. But as much as I tell my self not to get my hopes up I always do. 

I always get my hopes up and I never tell anyone, not even my husband. I don’t tell him because I can’t bear to see that sad look on his face. The look of disappointment of yet another attempt failed. I know he doesn’t blame me for not being pregnant but I blame me. I beat myself up constatly about the fact everyone else just seems to push a button and bam pregnant. I wish it wasn’t so hard. I see this parent nearly everyday where I work and everyday I think she didn’t deserve to have a child. She doesn’t treat him with respect and always threatens her son with “if you don’t behave you’re going to your father’s house.” Constantly screaming at him. He is not an easy child to deal with from what I’ve see and I get that but I feel sorry for this child. 

It happened again. Im 10 days late. I told myself don’t get your hopes up. I told myself it’s ok if your not pregnant we just have to keep trying. I did a test and it came back negative. I was so upset I did another one just to make sure. Same result. I just keep disappointing myself and the one I love. I want to give him what he wants and what I want but I just seem like I can’t do it. 

I am upset. I am disappointed. I am frustrated.

I just want to start a family. I know my husband and I are a family but I just want to expand on this family and make it grow. I seem to not be able to do that.

It’s hard to have to go through this every time. You try not to get your hopes up and you always do and then I’m always diappointed. 

I know I don’t have it as bad as some people and I really should be grateful for what I have. I am grateful for what I have.

We just have to keep trying and try not to get too disappointed in future. 

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