Thoughts and deceit 

I have moved my fair share of times. I habe moved country 3 times I have moved house about 15 times. Houses never mean anything to me it’s just a house where I live. I am grateful for them obviously they keep me safe and warm. However I know that for some people their house is their home and they wouldn’t give it up for anything. 

I will never forget certain houses that I have lived in that I will always remember. Certain things happened that make it more memorable. The house I live in currently I’m not sure what I want to do. I don’t know if I want to forget it or always remember. 

In this house I lived when I was pregnant. In this house was where I lived when I lost him. In this house was when I lost my baby. In this house was when I lost Diego.

I know I will bever forget Diego. He will forever and always be in mind, my heart and my life. But I keep looking around and everywhere I look reminds me of him or when I was pregnant with him. I see the clothes I had for him. I see his bed. I see the life I would have had if he was here. 

I keep thinking maybe I need to redecorate. Maybe I need change things around. 

After Diego died me and my husband were very upset. We had just lost the future we thought we were going to have. I was an emotional wreck and my husband was trying to keeping together. I knew that maybe if I got him something to keep him distracted it would help him out a bit. He always wanted to buy a fish tank. I know it might not sound like much but he loves fish and he always wanted one. So we decided it would be a good idea if we bought one back then. He went a bit crazy and spemt quite alot of money but I didn’t care. It made him happy. It made him forget for a little while. I am thankful that we got it because it helped him deal with the situation. Right now though everytime I see the fish tank all I can remember is the days leading up to buying the fishtank and the fish. It reminds me of the dreaded day my baby died. 

I’ve wanted to move house for a while now and I don’t know if thats the right decision or not. Well to be honest not just move house but mobe from this city.  Move from the city where everyone looks sideways and makes comments under their breath to other people. Move away from people who think that because I have gained weight it means that I am pregnant. Away from people whi have no idea how much it hurts to hear those comments and say no im not pregnant. Away from people who ask me when will I have another baby when even I don’t know if I will be able to or not. Start fresh. Somewhere where no one is going to be poking around in my life. Everytime I mention it to my husband it’s always a big no. He doesn’t want to move. He wants to stay here. He says he doesn’t want to move again and start all over again. So we stay here. I may not be happy about it at the moment but I think he thinks staying here will be better for me  because I have my family around.

My days off are the worst. I love not being at work but being home alone is well lonely. Im off but my husband works so we can’t go out together. My family is good but I would rather not spend time with then some days because it can get a bit much. My so called friends abandoned me when I needed them the most. The only time they talk to me is when they need something from me. The other day ar work my so called friends came up to me and was asking how I was doing. I said I was doing fine and she said to me whe should go out for food sometime and talk. Im not going to lie it made me a litle bit happy. We didn’t fix a day since we were both at work and were busy at that time so we left it at that. The next shift we had together she galked to me again and asked how I was. She then follows with “I need your help please. Can you do my shift at the weekend I have to go somewhere and you’re my only hope.” The penny dropped and I felt like an idiot. Why did I think that she actually wanted to spend time with me like old times? I told her I would do it simply because I couldn’t be bothered to say no and listen to her beg. Ofcourse the only reason she’s talking to me is so I can do somethig for her. Well jokes on me I guess. Fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me. I guess that’s how you learn from your mistakes.


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