So every time I go somewhere or even if I stay home I hear about someone being pregnant or having a baby already. 2 of my co-workers were pregnant and just had their babies. My other mate at work his girlfriend was pregnant and just had her baby today. Another one of my colleagues partner just had a baby two moths ago. One of my colleagues her daughter has just had her baby. My cousin just had his baby boy with his wife. My other cousins girlfriend is pregnant and should be having hers soon. I found out the other day another cousin of mine is 5 months pregnant. My brothers wife is also pregnant and a few other people too. The list just keeps on growing everyday not to mention the customers that come to the shop. Everyday however I do not make it to this growing list of people having babies or being pregnant.
The day of the death of my son is closer and closer everyday and I honestly dont know how I will be. I maybe ok but I may also breakdown and just, well lose it.
With everyday that goes by I miss him more and more. People say it will get easier and also say that I will make it through. They say I’m still young and will have another baby.
As if they know anything about my life. Most of them didn’t know I was pregnant until after my baby boy died so who are they to even pretend that they know anything about my life.
They give you advice and say it will all be ok. But how can they say if they dont know the pain. What do they know if this has never happened to them.
One of my friends at work unfortunately had a similar thing happen to him. His baby died just a few days old. Didn’t even leave the hospital. He was devastated and to be honest he’s the only one who knows what I feel and he knows he doesn’t get easier but you learn to live with it and just because you look ok doesn’t mean I am ok.
I was at work a while back and I was told to put some baby clothes out to sell. So I did. I went and did my job. You know it was just clothes but I had a breakdown. I had to go and hide myself in HR office so I wouldn’t be that girl who cries at work. I honestly didnt think that baby clothes would upset me the way that it did but it just bought back memories and feelings that were still very much alive. Seeing those clothes and knowing my baby would be wearing those if he hadn’t died. He would have been so spoilt. He was already spoilt. He already had toys and blankets and clothes and all sorts. I wouldn’t leave his side. I would be one of those chicken mums who never let their children out of their sight. Always making sure that he was ok. But I didn’t get a chance to show him how much I loved him. My friend at work here told me he didn’t tske it well. He went into a depression and if anyone dared to smile or laugh in his presence then he would snap and tell at them to get away from him and his house. How dare them laugh knowing what had just happened to him and his family. And I understood what he was saying. I understood because that was what happened to me too. People were laughing and joking and just didn’t realise that at that moment that is not what you want to do or hear. You just want to be left alone to grieve.
I just hope that he knew how much I loved and cared for him.