Thinking about a future that doesn’t exist

It’s been nearly 1 year since I started writing this blog.

It has really helped me to deal with Diego’s death. It has helped me grief. Am I over it? No, and honestly I don’t think I will ever get over it. He’s my child. He will always be my baby, my firstborn and who knows maybe my only child. Im not going to sit here and lie to you and say everything is ok because it isn’t. I am and have been for a long time physically healed. I haven’t healed emotionally there will always be a scar, there will always be a hole in my heart where a piece of it was taken when he died. There are days where I am a complete and total mess. I will scream and cry and feel like hitting everything and everyone. There will be days that are just for me and that no one will ever be able to help or do anything bout it. There are days where I get everything I have that is his and look through it. I will look at his scan pictures, I will look at the pictures I got from the nurses at the hospital, the cast of his hands and feet and just look at how small but perfect they were, his clothes that were given to him and even my pregnancy clothes. I will cry and think what my life would be like with him now and in the future.

I think now he would be 19 months if he survived or 15 months if he was born around his due date. He would be crawling and possibly walking depending of how old he would be. But even 15 months he would be walking, how many grazes and bumps he would have had by now from trying to walk too quickly for his little legs. He would have said his first word, and yes it would be dad because I would teach him when ever my husband wasn’t home because I want to see the look on my husband’s face when he hears him say the first word and be dad. How he and his dad would go to the park and play football, how he would play games with Diego just to see him laugh. How he would already have his teeth coming through and how irritable he would be because of that and keep us awake at night. I know it’s not all great and you have bad days and it’s stressful when you haven’t slept in 3 days and he’s still crying and you don’t know what else to do. What I wouldn’t give in a heartbeat 5o have all this with him…

People always seem to think that he died and then was born. That is not what happened. Diego was fine. I went into labour very early, way too early. Diego was alive, he lived. I held him and he was alive. He just was far too small to make it. He was perfect. You know you could tell he was going to look like his dad. His nose and forehead were an exact copy of his dad. He had long fingers like his dad. He was great.

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