Thinking about a future that doesn’t exist

It’s been nearly 1 year since I started writing this blog.

It has really helped me to deal with Diego’s death. It has helped me grief. Am I over it? No, and honestly I don’t think I will ever get over it. He’s my child. He will always be my baby, my firstborn and who knows maybe my only child. Im not going to sit here and lie to you and say everything is ok because it isn’t. I am and have been for a long time physically healed. I haven’t healed emotionally there will always be a scar, there will always be a hole in my heart where a piece of it was taken when he died. There are days where I am a complete and total mess. I will scream and cry and feel like hitting everything and everyone. There will be days that are just for me and that no one will ever be able to help or do anything bout it. There are days where I get everything I have that is his and look through it. I will look at his scan pictures, I will look at the pictures I got from the nurses at the hospital, the cast of his hands and feet and just look at how small but perfect they were, his clothes that were given to him and even my pregnancy clothes. I will cry and think what my life would be like with him now and in the future.

I think now he would be 19 months if he survived or 15 months if he was born around his due date. He would be crawling and possibly walking depending of how old he would be. But even 15 months he would be walking, how many grazes and bumps he would have had by now from trying to walk too quickly for his little legs. He would have said his first word, and yes it would be dad because I would teach him when ever my husband wasn’t home because I want to see the look on my husband’s face when he hears him say the first word and be dad. How he and his dad would go to the park and play football, how he would play games with Diego just to see him laugh. How he would already have his teeth coming through and how irritable he would be because of that and keep us awake at night. I know it’s not all great and you have bad days and it’s stressful when you haven’t slept in 3 days and he’s still crying and you don’t know what else to do. What I wouldn’t give in a heartbeat 5o have all this with him…

People always seem to think that he died and then was born. That is not what happened. Diego was fine. I went into labour very early, way too early. Diego was alive, he lived. I held him and he was alive. He just was far too small to make it. He was perfect. You know you could tell he was going to look like his dad. His nose and forehead were an exact copy of his dad. He had long fingers like his dad. He was great.

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TABOO

So I was scrolling through my Facebook page today and came across a video from a t.v. show in Portugal. It was about how people don’t know how to deal with the loss of a baby. From your family members to your friends to your doctors and nurses.

There was this lady that told her account and from beginning to end I was shocked.

So she was 26 weeks pregnant and everything was fine. She had no pains, no problems. Just the week before she had had an ultrasound and everything was great. She went out for a meal with her friends and still everything was fine. The day after she went to work and felt her daughter moving around. She didn’t so much in the afternoon. She had dinner went to bed and still nothing. She brushed off and went to sleep. The following morning she woke up put the music for her baby on and she still had no movement. She now thought this was weirdasshe always moves around when music was on. She got on a cab went to the hospital and was received in emergency as here comes another mother who thinks her baby is not mooving. She got the attitude from the nurse who thought I have better things to do right now. She was searching for the babies heart beat and was struggling to find it. Lady got moved from one room to the next so She could have an ultrasound with no explanation given. The lady for the ultrasound came in together with the first nurse her assistant and 4 interns. The screen was turned away from her and no one was talking about anything to her. The lady said can you speak to me , can you tell me is everything ok with my baby? The response she got was no. Just no. What? Lady said what do you mean no, can you explain to me what is going on? Your foetus does not have a heart beat. Cold answer given to her, no emotion, no empathy nothing. That is how she found out. Just like that. With 6 different people in the room with no privacy what so ever just told simply your baby is dead, that is essentially what they said meant, with no compassion no privacy no feelings. All of a sudden without any explanation she is taken to another room where a doctor comes to her and starts telling her how she hasn’t had a day off in 3 days working long hours. How the system was not right and couldn’t carry on like that and something had to be done. She’s complaining go this poor woman whose just found out that her baby is dead that she hasn’t had a day off in 3 days??!! I understand that it is difficult for a doctor to do this but again no compassion, no feelings, no kind words like I’m so sorry this is happening to you, no thinking about how the patient is feeling. She roughly explained some of what was going to happen. She was then told look we don’t have any available beds for you tonight so you will have to go home and come back tomorrow morning where we will give you medicine to start your labour so you have a natural birth. And just like, that she was sent home. With no counselling or really understanding what was fully happening, what was going on. It’s obvious to say this but she did not sleep that night. She went in the following morning where she was only admired after lunch and waited in a room full of pregnant excited mother’s to be. Luckily not everyone goes through something like this and no fault of their own that someone has lost a baby but why just why would you make a suffering mother suffer even more. Is it not bad enough that she knows that her daughter is dead she still has to sit in a room full of happy parents???? She was induced and the whole process took 5 days as her body wad rejecting the medication and she was not dilated enough. 5 days of pain, 5 extra days of suffering physical pain on top of all the emotional and mental pain. She was told no to cesarian as this is too expensive. After all this she is discharged and asks to be referred to someone who could help her deal with the pain like a counsellor and 1 and a half years later she is still waiting for an appointment. She is still waiting for the results of her daughter’s autopsy report. All she keeps being told is that it’s normal for these things to happen.

The amount of suffering that this woman had that could have been avoided if everyone was taught with how to deal with all this…

I feel for this lady, I really do. Losing Diego was bad enough but mostly everyone at the hospital was very kind and where prepared for something like that.

She said she really struggled with people’s comments. I can not stress this enough, if you don’t know what to say Please don’t say anything. Just stay quiet. Things like you’re still young or it’s better this way or you’re still ok so it’s fine, this does not help in the slightest. If anything it makes us angrier. So please I urge you don’t say anything if you don’t know what to say.

October 

So October so far has been ok. 

I finally had some time to go and see my friend who is now overdue. She’s not happy about that. I gave her the baby things I bought for her and she was quite happy with it all. I got her (the baby) this really cute outfit it looks great and she actually wanted to buy it but ended up not buying it. I keep waiting for a message or a call from her to tell me that her baby has been born and everything went fine and they are both ok. I worry constantly if something will go wrong with either of them. Hopefully everything will be ok. 

We have found a house to move in to. It’s an ok house but nothing amazing. There is quite a lot of things we need to do before we move on. Painting the walls and we have to put varnish in the wooden floors. There are a few bits here and there so hopefully will get this all done before we have to move out from this one. 

My niece turned 5 years old this month. 5 YEARS!!!! How is that even possible. I remember holding her for the first time not very long ago and she’s 5 already??! Time sure does fly. I haven’t seen her since June. She lives in Portugal. She’s the most spoilt girl I have ever seen. She’s got mummy and daddy wrapped around her little finger. It was also no nieces dad’s birthday( my brother) this month and a few cousins.  This month is busy for that and so is December actually. 

My other niece is now a month old. Still haven’t seen her in real life just in pictures. They live in France. Can’t get the holidays from work to go and see them. They said Hopefully they will come and visit us in December so I’m hoping everything will go ok till then and they will be able to come. I miss my brother too. We were quite close he’s only a few years older than me so we got on quite well. But then he got a wife and moved away and didn’t talk to me for just under 2 years. We’ve talked by message since but it’s never the same. 

I was supposed to go out tonight with a couple of friends but as it turns out we are all ill. How did we all get I’ll at the same time? I went to work today and had to finish early so I only worked for about 2 and half hours. So I texted them in our group chat and told them and the reply I get from both of then was just we’re also ill. We didn’t want to cancel but at the same time we didn’t want to risk it go out and get worst. So we all rescheduled and are having a games night  next week. Works for everyone. So now I’m tucked up in bed watching series and blowing my nose for what feels like every 2 minutes. So if anyone sees me out within the next few days with a red nose like a clown please don’t judge me. 

Ok everyone hope you have a good weekend. 

Updating 

So I haven’t written in a while. For longer than I care to admit. There’s just so much that has happened since and not all of it good. 

So my husband and I went on holiday for 2 weeks and I got to show him where I come from. He saw my house  and where I grew up, some of my neighbours and family. We had a good time and mostly enjoyed ourselves. We went to the beach and enjoyed the sunshine. 

It wasn’t all easy. I had people ask me about my pregnancy and what happened with my baby. People who don’t even know his name because they are not that close to me and don’t really care they just want to know everything. I just felt like satin well, it’s really none of your business and his name is Diego. 

That is defenatly one of the things I did not miss from back home. Nosy people just wanting to know everything about your life. It was hard to have to talk about it but at the same time I’m glad that I did. It gets people to known it happens more often than they know. 

So that’s basically that from my holidays.

When we came back to UK I was slightly worried and called to make a doctors appointment which turned out to be 3 weeks after. As I said before I have a medical condition known as polycystic ovaries or PCOS for short. This basically means I do not have regular periods. They can go from very heavy flow to a very light flow. My period comes and goes as it pleases. There are also other complications such as weight gain and trouble looking weight. Infertility or difficulty conceiving. Hair growth not in places you would like and occasionally loss of hair on your head. Anyway it’s not the worst thing you could have bit it’s not very pleasing either. So my period hadn’t made an appearance in 3 months which doesn’t usually happen. So I went to the doctor and explained that I have PCOS and haven’t one any tests in a while and could she maybe book me to check. Previously when it was that irregular they had found a cyst in my ovaries which was causing the irregularities which (the cyst) ended up going away on its own. So the doctor booked me for some blood tests and a scan on my ovaries. The blood test only took a week and a half to book and get the results. So I went back to the doctor and she told me that in a good surprising way my blood test came back normal. She was expecting some kind of hormonal imbalance. So she sent me on my way and I had to wait for my scan appointment which only took 3 weeks to get. I was quite nervous when I went for my scan. I was afraid they would find something wrong with me. So I did the scan and asked if everything was ok and they told me “the doctor will tell you the results”. I know that this doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with me but they didn’t say everything was ok either. So I started panicking and thinking the worst. I had scheduled a phone appointment with the doctor so she could tell me the results. I made sure that I was at home that day in case she had something to tell me that I would cry my eyes out. I waited what seemed like forever. She eventually called and asked me what I wanted to discuss and so o told her I wanted to know the results and she said that everything was normal. There were no cysts or anything that they could see out of the ordinary. This was such a relief but at the same time wasn’t very comforting because I didn’t know exactly why my period wasn’t coming. I knew thatch wasn’t pregnant because I did several tests just to check. So she prescribed me some tablets which are suppose to help with my insulin. I haven’t got diabetes but PCOS has a tendency to mess with your insulin levels which helps to cause weight gain. 

I have to be honest I only took the tablets 2 times and have forgotten everyday since then. Nearly 5 months without a period and it decided to show up this week. Don’t get me wrong I’m glad that it did but at the same time it’s so annoying having to have it. 

I may also have to move house at some point in the next few weeks/months. My landlord wants to live at this house so that’s us gone. All the houses are so expensive though it’s ridiculous. One person’s wage goes just on rent so as you can see it’s not cheap also if your single don’t think you’ll be moving in your own place without renting to someone any time soon. Unfortunately our wages stay the same while everything just seems to be on the rise. We haven’t found anything suitable yet but have to keep looking.

So that’s my piece of news. 

In the other hand my brothers wife, (my sister in law) has had a healthy baby girl 2 weeks ago. They are both ok but his wife had to have some stitches as she tore while giving birth and was a quite painful. 

My longest friend I think everything is going ok with her and her baby. She has finally decided on a name. She is due in about 22 days so it’s nearly there. I have bought some things for her and her baby. I just keep spending my money on baby things I can’t help it. Hopefully she will find the things I got for her and her a baby useful. I’m going to see her hopefully honest weekend. Can’t wait to see her. It’s been more than a month since I got to see her. 

Life just seems to go by so quickly. Please make sure you take time to enjoy life and spend time with your loved ones. You won’t get this time back. 

Yet another pregnancy

So today I am casually scrolling through social media when I see a new post from my oldest friend. 

We have literally been friends since before we were both. Our mother’s were friends and were both pregnant at the same time with only 2 months difference between us me being the oldest. She was a big part of my life and I would like to think she still is a big part of my live. We always played together when we were younger. I used to go to her house and she would come to mine. I think we both preferred her house because she had more toys and more space to play in. We grew up together until she moved to England when she was 5. We were apart for a while and then she moved back to our home country. She moved again and after that coincedentaly we moved to England too because of financial circumstances. So in all our teenage years we grew up together. I love her more than I should maybe but she’s my oldest friend and for that I will always love her. 

So I am scrolling and I see a post from her. She had tagged her boyfriend on a post she shared. It was  picture of a man’s top and it read “Daddy 2017” then there was a phone battery half way full and underneath that said “loading”. 

So I send her a message saying how are you and also are you pregnant? She replies to me that she is ok and yes She is pregnant. Imediatly all these emotions come flooding over me. 

I’m excited for them both because obviously it’s a very big milestone in any couples live. 

I’m scared that things may not go as normal pregnancies go and something might happen to her or the baby. 

I’m happy that my longest friend is going to be a mummy. 

I’m concerned about their financial situation at the moment and worrying if they will be ok for when the baby comes. 

I’m also kind of jealous because this was an accident in their case as she was freaking out not in a good way when she found out, and me and my husband keep trying and sort of failing. 

I’m sad because my baby boy Diego isn’t here because they could play together and be childhood friends like we were. 

I’m upset because I  don’t have a family like I wanted to have by now.

It may not sound like much to some people but being a mum is just one of those things I always thought I would be. Some people would be scared at the fact that they would ever have a baby. 

She tells me that I need to keep trying and eventually it will happen. She doesn’t however see how those kind of comments hurt. It hurts because we ate trying and it hurts because I am failing. 

She is worried about her baby. She’s scared something will happen and that the baby won’t be ok. She asked me about what happened to me and Diego so she could keep an eye on herself. She is scared because someone else she knows had an abortion because her baby was going to be severely deformed and would basically die as soon as he was born she was 19 weeks pregnant. 

Too many people take pregnancy for granted. So many people have babies everyday and alot of the babies are ok but so many babies are not. There are so many risks and if you are like me you go through so many scenarios in your head that you don’t really get to enjoy pregnancy as you should. I think about the baby of how he could be born early and have problems for the rest of his/her life. I think about how the baby could be I’ll as soon as she/he is born and would have to stay in hospital. I think how it can be dangerous to the woman her self and how still to this day women die from childbirth. All the illnesses and all the conditions there are. I always worry I can’t help it. 

A little catch up…

I’m never alone. At home I have my family, at work I have colleagues. The only alone time I get is the time between me finishing work and my husband coming home from work and that is when I’m in bed getting ready to go to sleep. 

Just because I’m never alone however doesn’t mean you don’t get lonely. Like I said before my husband has always been an amazing help through out everything. He knows what to do and what to say most of the time. He’s started a new job now so he’s not around like he used to. I know it sounds stupid but I liked coming home from work and my husband being at home and we just talked and cuddled. Now he’s not here when I come home I miss it. More importantly I miss him. 

We went to see Diego the other day. My husband doesn’t usually talk much about what happened it’s how he deals with it. But it’s times like that when we visit him that I know exactly how he feels because even though he tries to be manly and suck it up I see how much it upsets him. And it hurts to see someone you love so much hurt that way. 

My brother and his wife already know if they are having a boy or a girl. They sent the family cards with photos from the scan and a scratch here to find out boy or girl. It was nice but it did make me upset. I’m happy for them but also  worried I just hope that they will be ok and nothing bad will happen.

I love you now and forever

I love you Diego always have and always will with all my heart. 

Mummy misses you so much. 

I will never forget you.

You’ll always be with me 

From the day I knew of you

I knew I would love you untill the day I died

You were strong and you were brave

You fought to stay with us

We did all we could

Today is your birthday

I’ll never forget 

The day I held you in my arms

The day you died close to my heart

The day my heart broke when you left.

You are gone but never forgotten
My gorgeous baby boy Diego.