As you may know from the posts before I lost my sweet baby boy Diego. He was born too early and died in my arms. The anniversary of the day I lost him is fast approaching and I seem to get sadder and sadder, more emotional with each day that comes closer.
As you may also know from previous posts I am trying to get pregnant again. We really want to have a baby and every month that comes by is a let down.
This month I was late and I thought to my self you know maybe this month is the month. I always tell myself don’t get too excited you could just be late. But as much as I tell my self not to get my hopes up I always do.
I always get my hopes up and I never tell anyone, not even my husband. I don’t tell him because I can’t bear to see that sad look on his face. The look of disappointment of yet another attempt failed. I know he doesn’t blame me for not being pregnant but I blame me. I beat myself up constatly about the fact everyone else just seems to push a button and bam pregnant. I wish it wasn’t so hard. I see this parent nearly everyday where I work and everyday I think she didn’t deserve to have a child. She doesn’t treat him with respect and always threatens her son with “if you don’t behave you’re going to your father’s house.” Constantly screaming at him. He is not an easy child to deal with from what I’ve see and I get that but I feel sorry for this child.
It happened again. Im 10 days late. I told myself don’t get your hopes up. I told myself it’s ok if your not pregnant we just have to keep trying. I did a test and it came back negative. I was so upset I did another one just to make sure. Same result. I just keep disappointing myself and the one I love. I want to give him what he wants and what I want but I just seem like I can’t do it.
I am upset. I am disappointed. I am frustrated.
I just want to start a family. I know my husband and I are a family but I just want to expand on this family and make it grow. I seem to not be able to do that.
It’s hard to have to go through this every time. You try not to get your hopes up and you always do and then I’m always diappointed.
I know I don’t have it as bad as some people and I really should be grateful for what I have. I am grateful for what I have.
We just have to keep trying and try not to get too disappointed in future.
Most people I know are very interested in other people lives.
For example if you move out from your parents house to a place that is just your they will ask “are you not happy at your parents house”, “are you moving because you have something to hide from them” or are your parents strict is that why you are moving out?” People seem to think that there has to be something wrong with something, that is the only possible explanation to why you do something. It can’t simply be because you think its time to move on with your life and do something that makes you happy.
I remember the first time I went on holidays without my parents it was such a scandal. I mean I was only 20. Who goes on holiday without their parents at 20 years old right?? You see there was nothing wrong with this. So many teenagers went on holidays with their mates without parents and it was fine but when I did it well that was the end of the world. I didn’t go with any mates or family. I didn’t go out clubbing, I didn’t get drunk and I didn’t waste thousands of pounds. All I did while I was away was go for walks, go to the beach, read a book, watch the sunset/sunrise, watch the stars, I would see all the fisherman get ready to go out in the mornings and watch as they sailed away. I had breakfast in my hotel and lunch and dinner anywhere else I wanted. I didn’t go crazy. All I wanted was to relax and enjoy myself. Is that such a bad thing?
Anyway I got a bit side tracked with all that. My point was people are inconsiderate they say the first thing that comes to their head and don’t think they just say it out loud. Some people don’t mean to be rude or don’t know about the situations that you have had to deal with but some people are just ignorant.
I was at work the other day. Another crazy day where I’m told to do basically all the jobs. It was hectic. At one point I was working with a colleague and we were making small talk and she says to me “so do you have any children?” My heart kind of stopped for a while and I thought to my self yes I do but I’m not going to sit here and go through everything that happened to me so I just said no I don’t. Simply because if I said yes, it would have led to more questions that I wasnt ready to share the answer with her and also because people can’t handle the truth. If I said something like yes but my baby died people never know what to say and it just becomes awkward. So I left it at that obviously she couldn’t drop the subject and asked if I planed on having children and when. Now I know this girl from work. We are not close friends we are more like acquaintances I see her once a week at work that is it. This however does not mean that in going to tell you my whole life and what I have planned for the future. I’ve always liked my privacy. I’ve always liked to know what I’m doing with my life. I don’t however shout it out for the whole world to find out. People tell me I’m very secretive. I’m not really secretive I just keep my business to myself. If you don’t know what’s going on in my life that’s because we are not close enough for you to know about my business. All my family and my friends know what I’m doing and what has happened to me the last few years. Even now writing this blog about my life I choose what to write about my life.
I’m always weary when talking to people because you don’t know what’s happening at home or what they have gone through or are going through. I don’t like asking questions about their personal live when I don’t know if that will hurt that person in any way. For example I know people who have been victims of domestic abuse and are now free from this kind of torture. I don’t however go up to them and ask questions and say you should have left sooner and that was a really stupid thing to do. I know that there are things you never say and you don’t ask questions like that.
I guess what I’m trying to say is just don’t force people to talk about something they are not comfortable talking about. Peoples personal lives are just that personal. If they want to tell you something then they will.
So in my last post I was saying how I’m unsure weather I will get pregnant again for a few reasons.
One of the reasons is not so much as I can’t but I’m not sure I should. After I lost my beautiful baby boy, Diego I went into the worst phase of my life. I was angry at the world, angry with myself, angry with anyone who tried to tell me it was going to be better. Especially if the people saying it had never been through what I was going through. It broke me. I was a happy person and can still be but I know I am not the same as before. I can feel it. I am definitely more emotional. I was tough, not a lot could get to me. But after what happened I cry for the stupidest reasons. I cry because my husband is busy and can not spend time with me, I cry because I stay at home and don’t go out as much as before, I cry because I went out and all I kept seeing was mothers with their babies and thinking I didn’t have mine. I was left an emotional wreck. I am not as bad now but still get emotional.
If I get pregnant again I don’t know if I could make it through another heartbreak. If I get pregnant and I loose this baby too I am not sure that there is enough power inside of me to go through everything all over again. The pain of loosing Diego was the worst kind of pain, its not the kind you can kill with paracetamol. It’s the kind of pain that stays with you for life. I know people who have lost 4 babies before one of them survived. I do not have that kind of strength.
This other reason goes beyond something I can not control.
When I was 16 I was diagnosed with Polycystic ovary syndrome or PCOS for short. I will add a link bellow if anyone is interested on what it is and want to find out more.
This basically means that it makes hard or in some cases impossible to get pregnant. It affects a large number of women. The reason why its caused is still unknown. So as I am one of these women it means that if it was already hard for me to get pregnant it will be almost impossible now. This is why I said in my last post that Diego was like a light at the end of the tunnel. Even though we were trying to have a baby we knew that the changes of that happening were very slim so when it happened we were both happy.
We both want to have children of our own but if that is not possible we have talked about adopting, the thing with adopting is that they make it almost impossible for you to be qualified to take a child into your home and make a family. They make it hard for you to love a child that is in need of love, a child that you want to love.
Life is never easy, there are always things that make it difficult. There will always be something. I am trying to look positively to the future but I am not always successful in doing this.
So much has happened since then. Many breakdowns, many laughs, and many tears. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about Diego. I see other people with their babies and think how lucky they are that they get to spend time with their sons/daughters. I think about all the things they must be going through and have gone through. The worry when you first bring them home. You don’t know if it’s too cold, too hot, you don’t know what they need when they cry. You don’t know if they are hurting. The having to guess everything as they go along and hoping that what you are doing is what the baby needs. I think about the time they stressed out because their baby had a temperature and they knew he wasn’t well, the worry of the unknown. Not knowing why they are under the weather. I wonder about their sleepless nights. I wonder about all the moments they have had together, all the smiles and the giggles, their first smile, their first step, their first tooth… I day dream about all this and think do they know how lucky they are that their baby is by their side?
I would do anything to have my baby back but unfortunately that’s just one of the many things that are out of my reach. To hear his laugh and his cries.
I was at home the other day just sitting on the sofa and talking when I got a message come through to me. It was my brother and his wife. They were talking to me which was something surprising since they hadn’t bothered for the past 2 years of my life. They made small talk you know the how are you and what have you been doing… they then tell me that she is pregnant and I was going to be an auntie. Newsflash I am already an auntie to two gorgeous baby girls. Well they’re not exactly babies anymore but they’re my babies. The first thing that came to my mind was not happiness for them, I know it might sound very bad not to be happy for your brothers big news but I just felt broken. I felt like such a failure. They just happened to get pregnant. They weren’t trying. In fact they were trying not to and all of a suden bam she’s pregnant. It hurt me, it broke me inside. My baby had been gone for a little while but the pain of losing him was still there. I know to some people it doesn’t sound like it’s along of time but I was trying to get pregnant for 6 months before I was actually pregnant. To be honest I wasn’t sure I would get pregnant. Diego was the light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve been trying to get pregnant again for 1 year I have been trying this time and every month a disappointment. The heartbrake that maybe I will not be able to have another baby. I think part of the reason I felt so useless was because of that. Knowing that they didn’t want this baby now and yet I have been trying and nothing.
So the day came where I had to be a human being I had to interact with people weather I liked it or not. I had no choice in the matter as it would make others upset so I just did what I was told to do. I got up, I got dressed, I had breakfast, I went to the salon so me and my mother in law could get ready, I went home, got changed again, got in the car and went to the venue. We were the first to arrive and had to wait for everyone to come and greet them all as they were coming in. We had to stand there for 2 hours just greeting people in. Some people got me flowers which was nice of them since I knew maybe 20% of the people there and the others were all strangers to me. There was a live band and a lady that was the singer/host. She kept saying things I didn’t understand and smiling at me. My husband had to translate for me. One thing she said stuck with me. She didn’t know about what had happened. No one felt the need to tell her and since I couldn’t comunicate with her I couldn’t tell her. She told me that my first child would be a boy. That broke my heart. I don’t know how but I held it together at that time. I tried so hard not to cry. I knew it would ruin the day for my husbands family and friends. Having the bride cry at the wedding, and not tears of joy. I just about kept it together and I said to my husband my first child has already been a boy and I will never forget it. I couldn’t cry all evening because there was people and cameras fliming and taking pictures. I hated it. I couldn’t do what I wanted to do most… cry.
The night was nearly finished and I just wanted to go home. The guests were leaving and it was getting late. I was looking forward to going home. Unfortunately one of my husbands friends decided they wanted to go clubbing and since they had all been drinking my husband was the designated driver which meant I had to go with him. Now it would be a good time to let you all know that I hate clubbing with a passion. I don’t know how to dance, I don’t like being around people, I don’t like the music they play, I don’t like how it stinks of alcohol and the floor is all sticky. I enter to stay at home and relax. They all knew this. They just didn’t care that I didn’t want to go. So we went home and changed got in the car and drove nearly 1 hour to get to this stupid night club that they wanted to go to. We parked went isnide and it was overcrowded with some people that I knew and a couple of them I didn’t like and the rest were strangers. I sat down for half an hour tops and then went to wait in the car for them, my husband came with me because hes not really into clubbing either. So we put the seats back and relaxed. They came back 3 or 4 hours later when it was starting to be day time. We stopped at a food van and got something to eat and went home to sleep. I was exhausted I had been and wake for more than 24 hours and I needed sleep.
We got up around 2 since we only got home about 6.30 am had brunch and just chilled for the rest of the Sunday. I could finally cry and let some of my pain out since I was home in our room and no one was around.
So after the first day we had we were both very tired… travelling that much in one day should not be done ever… do not recommend it. We tried to sleep in but soon there were the builders the relatives and friends coming around and there was no more sleeping in. We got up and had breakfast but his mum didn’t want us around while they were fixing the house so we were told to leave the house and see people and go places so we went to day hi to everyone else we had to. I have to tell you I don’t really enjoy doing this as I don’t speak their languange and barely any of them speak English so I just stay there. Everyone tries to be nice but since I can’t speak to them or they to me then they speak to whoever they can speak. Now a few people knew I was pregnant before the holidays but no one told them that our baby boy had died unfortunately. Soto every house we went and everyone we saw my husband had to explain what happened. Luckily for me in a way I couldn’t understand most of what they were saying but I could tell from people’s body language. Since I didn’t understand them I didn’t have to talk to them about that but my husband did and I could see the hurt in his eyes and hear the hurt in his voice. If I had to do that I would have cried my heart out every time.
Now after loosing my baby boy Diego, my mood was not the best. I was angry, upset, annoyed you name it… and anything anyone said or did would throw me over and I would loose my temper and cry. This happened to me very frequently over the next few months. I would be fine one minute and the next I would pick a fight with my husband for the stupidest things like why was he eating, why don’t you just leave your phone. And i would have a meltdown because of these things. In the more serious fights i tried to pick was why don’t you just leave me since I can’t give you what you want, a baby boy/girl, or I know you don’t love me now and you’re going to leave me I know you are….
They were not easy times for me or him. I hated everything and everyone and if anyone tried to speak to me it better have been for a very good reason. The few friends I thought I had they couldn’t handle me in that state so they stayed as far away as possible. My only friend through all of this was my husband. I don’t know what I would have done without him. He was my everything for emotional support to physical support. He knew what to do to make me better, what to say to make me snap out. I loved him before but after what happened I love him more and I don’t even know how that is possible. I pushed him away. I made him crazy with all my litle episodes but he knew I would be better he knew that I was hurting and I just needed time to be fixed to put all the pieces back together again. I am forever grateful to him and I make sure I tell him everyday.
We were on holiday and I think time away did me good but the fact that my baby died still remained. I could not/refused to pretend to be happy even if my wedding was just around the corner. I could not go accessories shopping and go to hair appointments and nail appointments and furniture shopping for my in-laws house. I wanted to have peace and quiet while I tried to fix myself. I could not pretend that I cared about the colour scheme and where people were sitting and what I had to do or even who was going to come. My in-laws did all of that. They did all the shopping except my wedding dress that I had from before. They even chose what hair style I was going to have. I really did not care about it. To me I already had a real wedding and this one was just for show.
I’m not sure if you remember or not but in my very first post I wrote about my wedding and how most of my husbands family and friends were not able to attend as they were in a different country. I also mentioned that we agreed with his parents that it was only fair to them that we have a wedding there. Even though we were already married when I got pregnant my mother in law said it would be a good idea to have the wedding ceremony before the baby was born so people wouldnt talk since they hadn’t seen a wedding so we agreed to it.
So we have holidays booked now to go and have this wedding the only thing is that my wedding date was not even 3 weeks after Diego died. I wanted to cancel the wedding ceremony and do it another time but I was told everything had been arranged and money had been spent so there was no chance of canceling now. Why did people expect me to go on with my normal life as if nothing had happened. My son just died can people not let me be grief-stricken? Did people expect me to just smile and be happy? Did no one have any understanding that I needed time?
So we got the coach to the airport which we then had to get the plane and then an excruciating 10 hours with temperatures above 25 celcious on a bus with no air conditioning, no toilets. We had to stop every few hours for toilet breaks and for whoever wanted to buy food or drinks. Everyone was exhausted and sweaty, we felt like sardines in a tin. Sleeping was not comfortable because the seats where as hard as stone and the streets had potholes every where so you were always bouncing from one side to another. Do after all this all I want to do is go home have a nice shower some food and go to sleep since I haven’t slept in basically more than 24 hours. Unfortunately that was not what happened. We got home to be greeted by a cloud of dust as his family were renovating the house and the toilet had not yet been finished. We got some of our things in a bag and went to his cousins house and begged him to have a shower. We had a shower and got dressed but it all felt very weird. I barely know this guy and I can’t talk to him or his girlfriend because I don’t know the language. We stayed for a while and then went home. His mum was cleaning the house from all the dust. We went to our room and slept until the morning.