You think you know someone…

Ok so today’s blog is not about Diego it’s about something that has been annoying me for the last month, my husbands cousin and his current situation. 

As you might know neither me or my husband are from England but we are both from different countries. I can’t speak his language or understand it. I pick up the odd work here and there but that’s about it. 

I have been over to his country 3 times before. I have met his cousins, aunties, uncles, mum, dad, brother, grandparents, friends and neighbours. Some of them I know better than others and some are nicer than others. 

This cousin of my husband is a really nice guy from what I could tell. His mum and dad like him and so does his uncles and aunties and neighbours, well everyone who knows him really. He’s calm and thinks thinhs through before he does them. He’s responsible and had his life pretty well figured out. He had a house which he and his girlfriend of 9 years had slowly made better with whatever they managed to save from their jobs. Even when things weren’t as good as they could have been they always spent time together and always had time to go out. If not to have a meal just for a drink. His girlfriend also looked like a nice girl. She had a job and was a reponsible girl. Her in-laws liked her and so did my husband’s mum and dad and the neighbours closest to her and those who knew her. 

Now I do have to say I don’t know what happened in their personal life but what I learned shocked me to the point of where I am only just about coming to grips with what happened to them. So here goes.

Me and my husband and realxing he’s playing his game on his PC and I’m watching a film. He got a phone call on his phone from his brother asking him how he was and also asking as we have a car if we can go pick up this cousin of theirs from the airport as he is coming to the UK in a few days time. My husband was very happy as he had already sugested that he come here but he always declined. We said we would go and pick him up no problem. We were excited and happy and then I asked my husband if his girlfriend was coming too. He said no just him. I said I don’t know how people just leave their other half in one country and go to another country without them. I wouldn’t be able to do that. My husband said that he wouldn’t be able to do that either such I was quite happy about. He said maybe he wants to get married so he’s saving some moneu for the wedding or maybe she’s pregnant and he needs money for that. We were both happy and excited that maybe we had big news coming when he got here.

So the day came and we drove to the airport to pick his cousin up. We didn’t have to wait long before he came. He looked like he was tired but travelling does that to you. We said hello to him asked how was his flight and he said it was fine but he just wanted to smoke a cigarette. Since we had my niece with us mr and her walked ahead away from the smoking area and waited for them there. Now since I can’t actually talk to his cousin I asked my husband to ask him how his girlfriend was doing. My husband looked at me with this face, the face of someone who has just heard unexpected news. He says to me they are not together anymore I said what no way are you sure. He shook his head up and down saying yes he just told me. I was in shock and wondering what happened for them not to be together anymore. They looked good together, they both looked happy… 

I left it at that since I didn’t want to push for answers and my niece was with us. I figured I would ask my husband what happened later when we got home. We stopped on the motorway services and had a coffee and a bite to eat. My husband and his cousin sat together and me and my niece sat together. Although we were sitting in different tables and speaking diferent languages I could tell what they were talking about. I could tell by the expressions on their faces and a bit later on by the tears running down the cousoms face. I felt so bad for him. He’s such a nice guy you know. He didn’t deserve to be alone and I could tell it hurt. I could tell he was still in pain and not ready to move on. We got back in the car and went where we had to go.

Later at home and away from everyone I asked my husband if his cousin had explained what had happened. He said yes he had told him. He explained to me what happened he said to me my cousin was shocked and he’s still upset and watching him like that breaks my heart. He said he wasn’t expecting it. He told me they were both sat at home on the sofa and she got a message. She then got up and said to him im leaving he said ok where are you going thinking she’s going to a friend’s house or to the shop to buy something. She said I’m leaving you. He said what? What are you talking about? She says I don’t want anything from you. Everything we have done together on the house and everything else you can keep. Here is half of the money we saved for you and I have half of the money for me. I have packed my things im going now. And just like that she left no explanation, no goodbyes. His cousin was shocked he didn’t know what had just happened. They were sat on the sofa watching tv one minute and the other she was breaking up with him and leaving the house. 

How can somene just do that? I can only imagine what he was thinking. All the self doubt and all the questions. What just happened? What did I do wrong? Why did she leave? Where is she going? What am I going to do?

He found out a couple of days later what had really happened. She didn’t just move out she moved out of their house to the house of a other man. Not just any mans house her bosses house. Not only was he her boss he was a friend my husband’s cousin. They went out for meals together, he came to their house and they talked and laughed together at the same table. So what does this so called friend and his girlfriend do? They stab him in the back. 

She stopped working at her bosses place so she now has no job as he is providing for her. She lives at his house and goes shopping with her friends. She goes out shopping everyday. She eats out everyday. How could she have done something like that. They had a joint social media account wich a few weeks earlier she then had made one just for her. I didn’t think anyrhi g of it because people do that all the time.  Up until a few days before she left him she kept posting pictures of her and my husbands cousin of when they were out just that week on social media. Shes Hugging him and kissing his cheek and now she’s posting pictures of her and her new person.

How can a person do that. She knew she was going to leave him so why do all of this. Why send friend requests to everyone he knows so that they then can see how messed up she is and how she has left her boyfriend of 9 years to go out with someone who will probably trade her up for the next newest model whenever he gets tired of this one? Why throw away something so good? Why does she keep torturing him, playing him and make him suffer by making him watch then two together?

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Please don’t go!

I see the shadow of goodbye in your eyes, 

I feel that when night becomes day you will be leaving,

But all of our memories I can not forget 

You know that to my heart I do not know how to lie.

There is no more left for me to do, 

I dont know if you will understand, 

I just  want to say,

Please don’t go because I do not know how to live without you.

You will be forever who I want. For who I will despair. 

Without you I will lose part of me, please don’t go.

How can I stop me from wanting you,

You only thought me to love but never to forget 

Now there is only one more thing left to say

Please don’t go. 

Mummy loves you very much Diego

Babies everywhere 

So every time I go somewhere or even if I stay home I hear about someone being pregnant or having a baby already. 2 of my co-workers were pregnant and just had their babies. My other mate at work his girlfriend was pregnant and just had her baby today. Another one of my colleagues partner just had a baby two moths ago. One of my colleagues her daughter has just had her baby. My cousin just had his baby boy with his wife. My other cousins girlfriend is pregnant and should be having hers soon. I found out the other day another cousin of mine is 5 months pregnant. My brothers wife is also pregnant and a few other people too. The list just keeps on growing everyday not to mention the customers that come to the shop. Everyday however I do not make it to this growing list of people having babies or being pregnant. 

The day of the death of my son is closer and closer everyday and I honestly dont know how I will be. I maybe ok but I may also breakdown and just, well lose it. 

With everyday that goes by I miss him more and more. People say it will get easier and also say that I will make it through. They say I’m still young and will have another baby. 

As if they know anything about my life. Most of them didn’t know I was pregnant until after my baby boy died so who are they to even pretend that they know anything about my life.

They give you advice and say it will all be ok. But how can they say if they dont know the pain. What do they know if this has never happened to them. 

One of my friends at work unfortunately had a similar thing happen to him. His baby died just a few days old. Didn’t even leave the hospital. He was devastated and to be honest he’s the only one who knows what I feel and he knows he doesn’t get easier but you learn to live with it and just because you look ok doesn’t mean I am ok. 

I was at work a while back and I was told to put some baby clothes out to sell. So I did. I went and did my job. You  know it was just clothes but I had a breakdown. I had to go and hide myself in HR office so I wouldn’t be that girl who cries at work. I honestly didnt think that baby clothes would upset me the way that it did but it just bought back memories and feelings that were still very much alive. Seeing those clothes and knowing my baby would be wearing those if he hadn’t died. He would have been so spoilt. He was already spoilt. He already had toys and blankets and clothes and all sorts. I wouldn’t leave his side. I would be one of those chicken mums who never let their children out of their sight. Always making sure that he was ok. But I didn’t get a chance to show him how much I loved him. My friend at work here told me he didn’t tske it well. He went into a depression and if anyone dared to smile or laugh in his presence then he would snap and tell at them to get away from him and his house. How dare them laugh knowing what had just happened to him and his family. And I understood what he was saying. I understood because that was what happened to me too. People were laughing and joking and just didn’t realise that at that moment that is not what you want to do or hear. You just want to be left alone to grieve.

I just hope that he knew how much I loved and cared for him. 

Thoughts and deceit 

I have moved my fair share of times. I habe moved country 3 times I have moved house about 15 times. Houses never mean anything to me it’s just a house where I live. I am grateful for them obviously they keep me safe and warm. However I know that for some people their house is their home and they wouldn’t give it up for anything. 

I will never forget certain houses that I have lived in that I will always remember. Certain things happened that make it more memorable. The house I live in currently I’m not sure what I want to do. I don’t know if I want to forget it or always remember. 

In this house I lived when I was pregnant. In this house was where I lived when I lost him. In this house was when I lost my baby. In this house was when I lost Diego.

I know I will bever forget Diego. He will forever and always be in mind, my heart and my life. But I keep looking around and everywhere I look reminds me of him or when I was pregnant with him. I see the clothes I had for him. I see his bed. I see the life I would have had if he was here. 

I keep thinking maybe I need to redecorate. Maybe I need change things around. 

After Diego died me and my husband were very upset. We had just lost the future we thought we were going to have. I was an emotional wreck and my husband was trying to keeping together. I knew that maybe if I got him something to keep him distracted it would help him out a bit. He always wanted to buy a fish tank. I know it might not sound like much but he loves fish and he always wanted one. So we decided it would be a good idea if we bought one back then. He went a bit crazy and spemt quite alot of money but I didn’t care. It made him happy. It made him forget for a little while. I am thankful that we got it because it helped him deal with the situation. Right now though everytime I see the fish tank all I can remember is the days leading up to buying the fishtank and the fish. It reminds me of the dreaded day my baby died. 

I’ve wanted to move house for a while now and I don’t know if thats the right decision or not. Well to be honest not just move house but mobe from this city.  Move from the city where everyone looks sideways and makes comments under their breath to other people. Move away from people who think that because I have gained weight it means that I am pregnant. Away from people whi have no idea how much it hurts to hear those comments and say no im not pregnant. Away from people who ask me when will I have another baby when even I don’t know if I will be able to or not. Start fresh. Somewhere where no one is going to be poking around in my life. Everytime I mention it to my husband it’s always a big no. He doesn’t want to move. He wants to stay here. He says he doesn’t want to move again and start all over again. So we stay here. I may not be happy about it at the moment but I think he thinks staying here will be better for me  because I have my family around.

My days off are the worst. I love not being at work but being home alone is well lonely. Im off but my husband works so we can’t go out together. My family is good but I would rather not spend time with then some days because it can get a bit much. My so called friends abandoned me when I needed them the most. The only time they talk to me is when they need something from me. The other day ar work my so called friends came up to me and was asking how I was doing. I said I was doing fine and she said to me whe should go out for food sometime and talk. Im not going to lie it made me a litle bit happy. We didn’t fix a day since we were both at work and were busy at that time so we left it at that. The next shift we had together she galked to me again and asked how I was. She then follows with “I need your help please. Can you do my shift at the weekend I have to go somewhere and you’re my only hope.” The penny dropped and I felt like an idiot. Why did I think that she actually wanted to spend time with me like old times? I told her I would do it simply because I couldn’t be bothered to say no and listen to her beg. Ofcourse the only reason she’s talking to me is so I can do somethig for her. Well jokes on me I guess. Fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me. I guess that’s how you learn from your mistakes.

Disappointment 

As you may know from the posts before I lost my sweet baby boy Diego. He was born too early and died in my arms. The anniversary of the day I lost him is fast approaching and I seem to get sadder and sadder,  more emotional with each day that comes closer. 

As you may also know from previous posts I am trying to get pregnant again. We really want to have a baby and every month that comes by is a let down. 
This month I was late and I thought to my self you know maybe this month is the month. I always tell myself don’t get too excited you could just be late. But as much as I tell my self not to get my hopes up I always do. 

I always get my hopes up and I never tell anyone, not even my husband. I don’t tell him because I can’t bear to see that sad look on his face. The look of disappointment of yet another attempt failed. I know he doesn’t blame me for not being pregnant but I blame me. I beat myself up constatly about the fact everyone else just seems to push a button and bam pregnant. I wish it wasn’t so hard. I see this parent nearly everyday where I work and everyday I think she didn’t deserve to have a child. She doesn’t treat him with respect and always threatens her son with “if you don’t behave you’re going to your father’s house.” Constantly screaming at him. He is not an easy child to deal with from what I’ve see and I get that but I feel sorry for this child. 

It happened again. Im 10 days late. I told myself don’t get your hopes up. I told myself it’s ok if your not pregnant we just have to keep trying. I did a test and it came back negative. I was so upset I did another one just to make sure. Same result. I just keep disappointing myself and the one I love. I want to give him what he wants and what I want but I just seem like I can’t do it. 

I am upset. I am disappointed. I am frustrated.

I just want to start a family. I know my husband and I are a family but I just want to expand on this family and make it grow. I seem to not be able to do that.

It’s hard to have to go through this every time. You try not to get your hopes up and you always do and then I’m always diappointed. 

I know I don’t have it as bad as some people and I really should be grateful for what I have. I am grateful for what I have.

We just have to keep trying and try not to get too disappointed in future. 

Inconsiderate People

Most people I know are very interested in other people lives. 

For example if you move out from your parents house to a place that is just your they will ask “are you not happy at your parents house”, “are you moving because you have something to hide from them” or are your parents strict is that why you are moving out?” People seem to think that there has to be something wrong with something, that is the only possible explanation to why you do something. It can’t simply be because you think its time to move on with your life and do something that makes you happy. 

I remember the first time I went on holidays without my parents it was such a scandal. I mean I was only 20. Who goes on holiday without their parents at 20 years old right?? You see there was nothing wrong with this. So many teenagers went on holidays with their mates without parents and it was fine but when I did it well that was the end of the world. I didn’t go with any mates or family. I didn’t go out clubbing, I didn’t get drunk and I didn’t waste thousands of pounds. All I did while I was away was go for walks, go to the beach, read a book, watch the sunset/sunrise, watch the stars, I would see all the fisherman get ready to go out in the mornings and watch as they sailed away. I had breakfast in my hotel and lunch and dinner anywhere else I wanted. I didn’t go crazy. All I wanted was to relax and enjoy myself. Is that such a bad thing? 

Anyway I got a bit side tracked with all that. My point was people are inconsiderate they say the first thing that comes to their head and don’t think they just say it out loud. Some people don’t mean to be rude or don’t know about the situations that you have had to deal with but some people are just ignorant. 

I was at work the other day. Another crazy day where I’m told to do basically all the jobs. It was hectic. At one point I was working with a colleague and we were making small talk and she says to me “so do you have any children?” My heart kind of stopped for a while and I thought to my self yes I do but I’m not going to sit here and go through everything that happened  to me so I just said no I don’t. Simply because if I said yes, it would have led to more questions that I wasnt ready to share the answer with her and also because people can’t handle the truth. If I said something like yes but my baby died people never know what to say and it just becomes awkward. So I left it at that obviously she couldn’t drop the subject and asked if I planed on having children and when. Now I know this girl from work. We are not close friends we are more like acquaintances I see her once a week at work that is it. This however does not mean that in going to tell you my whole life and what I have planned for the future. I’ve always liked my privacy. I’ve always liked to know what I’m doing with my life. I don’t however shout it out for the whole world to find out. People tell me I’m very  secretive. I’m not really secretive I just keep my business to myself. If you don’t know what’s going on in my life that’s because we are not close enough for you to know about my business. All my family and my friends know what I’m doing and what has happened to me the last few years. Even now writing this blog about my life I choose what to write about my life.

I’m always weary when talking to people because you don’t know what’s happening at home or what they have gone through or are going through. I don’t like asking questions about their personal live when I don’t know if that will hurt that person in any way. For example I know people who have been victims of domestic abuse and are now free from this kind of torture. I don’t however go up to them and ask questions and say you should have left sooner and that was a really stupid thing to do. I know that there are things you never say and you don’t ask questions like that. 

I guess what I’m trying to say is just don’t force people to talk about something they are not comfortable talking about. Peoples personal lives are just that personal. If they want to tell you something then they will.

Uncertainty…

So in my last post I was saying how I’m unsure weather I will get pregnant again for a few reasons.

One of the reasons is not so much as I can’t but I’m not sure I should. After I lost my beautiful baby boy, Diego I went into the worst phase of my life. I was angry at the world, angry with myself, angry with anyone who tried to tell me it was going to be better. Especially if the people saying it had never been through what I was going through. It broke me. I was a happy person and can still be but I know I am not the same as before. I can feel it. I am definitely more emotional. I was tough, not a lot could get to me. But after what happened I cry for the stupidest reasons. I cry because my husband is busy and can not spend time with me, I cry because I stay at home and don’t go out as much as before, I cry because I went out and all I kept seeing was mothers with their babies and thinking I didn’t have mine. I was left an emotional wreck. I am not as bad now but still get emotional.

If I get pregnant again I don’t know if I could make it through another heartbreak. If I get pregnant and I loose this baby too I am not sure that there is enough power inside of me to go through everything all over again. The pain of loosing Diego was the worst kind of pain, its not the kind you can kill with paracetamol. It’s the kind of pain that stays with you for life. I know people who have lost 4 babies before one of them survived. I do not have that kind of strength.

This other reason goes beyond something I can not control.

When I was 16 I was diagnosed with Polycystic ovary syndrome or PCOS for short. I will add a link bellow if anyone is interested on what it is and want to find out more.

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Polycystic-ovarian-syndrome/Pages/Introduction.aspx

This basically means that it makes hard or in some cases impossible to get pregnant. It affects a large number of women. The reason why its caused is still unknown. So as I am one of these women it means that if it was already hard for me to get pregnant it will be almost impossible now. This is why I said in my last post that Diego was like a light at the end of the tunnel. Even though we were trying to have a baby we knew that the changes of that happening were very slim so when it happened we were both happy.

We both want to have children of our own but if that is not possible we have talked about adopting, the thing with adopting is that they make it almost impossible for you to be qualified to take a child into your home and make a family. They make it hard for you to love a child that is in need of love, a child that you want to love.

Life is never easy, there are always things that make it difficult. There will always be something. I am trying to look positively to the future but I am not always successful in doing this.